24 March 2009

HESTVS BLVMENTHVS

Heston's back, and he's gone all Romanesque. I'm hoping he serves hors d'oeuvres a la Monty Python's Life of Brian snack seller at the Colosseum.

He's promising a feast fit for Caligula. That'll be feasting on a horses cock then...

..raw...

..and still attached...

..and twitching and throbbing...

..yum.



Tonight's guests include;
Danny Wallace(presumably still in 'Yes Man' mode, Greta Scatchi, and the posh(er) one from Armstrong and Miller - you know - the one that flogs Pimms, and rent-a-loon in loons, The Marquis of Bath.

Well the hors d'oeuvres aren't a kick in the arse from larks' tongues, wrens' livers, chaffinch brains, jaguars' earlobes and wolf nipple chips.

Nipples are on the menu. Pigs nipple scratchings. You dirty bastard. You're at it again ruining a perfectly good pub snack. I like pork scratchings, even when they're still bristly, but if the nipples were hairy, then that'd be just wrong.


Starter, calves brain custard, which at the moment he's mixing with Thai fish sauce. The one that really stinks (but I like). Strangely every unsuspecting member of the public that he cons into tasting it immediately bokes it back. Can't imagine why...

Under the belief that it's the fish sauce that's ruining the tasty brains, as it's not 'proper bo' , he's off in search of some mackerels guts to ferment, as this would be 'authentic'. We're also reliably informed that Worcester Sauce is made from fermented anchovies. No it's not, they drill for it round the back of the Cathedral, just like there's a HP Sauce well just behind the Houses of Parliament.

As if we'd put rotten fish on a nice bit of cheese on toast!

Main course is a Trojan Hog with sausages for intestines. Could be safe to eat, but who knows how he plans to defile it yet...

Just so we can be sure that the 'intestines' look realistic, we're treated to the sight of a real pig being gutted. Unnecessary. Thank god I've already eaten.

And how do you boil a whole pig? Why 24 hours in a hot tub of course! I think he's taking the whole Roman Bath thing to extremes. Danny Wallace just said on Twitter that he believes he's one of the few people in the world to have eaten a pig cooked in a Jacuzzi. I'm sure there are several people out there who've had a gobble on Michael Winner...

Then with the aid of an endoscope he's stuffing a hollowed out spit roasted pig with the rankest sausages you've ever seen, all lubricated with some yellow/brown fluid that looks suspiciously like faecal fluid to me. I really don't want to see them slop out onto the table.

OH MY GOD...that is gross.

Dessert will be ejaculating cakes. The Romans had some kind of phallic pudding that jizzes fruit juice and saffron custard, but what he says he really wants is a 'bubbling' effect, rather than a grand spurt.

Heston, you've spent too long standing in front of an industrial microwave if your spunk gun doesn't so much shoot, as bubble out a frothy love custard. There's something seriously wrong with you.

A center piece of a statue with a gigantic cock is brought out followed by....



Chocolate sponge bell end!

Nice!

Danny Wallace is well out of his comfort zone, and who can blame him with the batty Marquis of Bath marvelling at the tables centre piece, and contemplating what he would do if he had a 2 foot cock.

'Pour your juices into the hole' says the maitre d with no sense of irony whatsoever.

And what do they like most about it? It's got space dust in it. You can't take credit for that, you can buy it in the corner shop for 10p.

Yep, Roman Heston is just as bonkers and sex obsessed as he has been in other time periods, and is a master of showmanship, but that food had better taste good, because once again, the ingredients are just plain wrong.

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