16 March 2009

Busy doing nothing

No doubt if you work in any industry that likes you to be industrious, you can no longer enjoy the simple pleasure of social notworking.
social notworking - verb. The act of titting about on Facebook, Twitter, Bebo, etc when you should be doing some "proper work".

But while the super-conscientious are filling their bags with books and files in order to work from home, for the prevaricating work-shy waster, there is still plenty of potential to home from work.
home from work - verb. To spend the time you are paid to be doing stuff for the greater good, to do the stuff you should be doing in your own time. Example usage - "There just aren’t enough hours in the day - I think I'll be homing from work again"

Just try saying it to someone - they’ll look slightly bemused and nod in agreement, whereas you have just told them “Basically, I’m going to do nothing productive today”

The first, and most basic way of wasting time at work is the deja-poo
deja-poo - verb. To go off for a shit even though you’ve only just got back from the toilet.

The deja-poo can be used to avoid pieces of shit, putting off a tedious job with a make believe jobbie, or laying fake bricks as the bricks and mortar ground work for pulling off a whole sick day.

Email can be a right bloody chore. To appear to be actually doing more than you are, try re-mailing.
remail - verb. To read, forward to yourself, read again, and re-forward ad infinitum.

It’s fucking tedious, but you can mash the keys in a busy looking fashion, then stare and the bollocks that you’ve just received and try and make sense of it. Still not clear, why not forward it to yourself again and see if you can make head or tail of it?

When you’re done with your email, time for a bit of research, or re-searching.
research - verb. To trawl through Google trying to find the website you found so amusing at home, but forgot to email a link to your work pc.
As in “I’m doing some research for Matt”, translates as “I saw a video last night of a chimp sucking itself off, but I can’t remember where, and daren’t type ‘self blow job’ into Google in case IT log it, so I’m looking at every video of a monkey on the internet”.

I like to keep my desk as untidy as possible. Nothing says busy like paper strewn everywhere. And biscuits. Probably some coffee cups too. The reason for this is two fold, firstly, camouflage for the ‘busy’ man, and secondly, you can waste hours looking for stuff, pretending to look for stuff, or hiding stuff so you can look for it later, filed under T.

file under tea - verb, to keep all your important papers in a pile on your desk under empty mugs. Usage - “You have no idea where that report is do you Mark?”. “Um - I think I must have filed it under tea by mistake” - thus giving the appearance that you do have some degree of organisation, and not just an untidy twat.

If you really get stuck for something to do, there are a myriad of websites that give helpful advice on how waste time.

Me, I don’t need them, I’m far too busy doing fuck all.

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