25 April 2009

Pillow talk

Ahhhh, the sleep of the angels.

Not just because after 3 flights, 26 hours of travelling, and 32 hours awake (not including a bit of cat napping mid Atlantic), I finally got my own bed, and most importantly;

My own pillow


And not only that, the correct number of pillows.

I'm a bit of a fussy fucker when it comes to pillows.

I need at least three. I tend to sleep on my side, so I need two for under my head, and one down the side to support my arm. That might sound a bit greedy, but I've got quite broad shoulders, so the side of my head is probably about 10 inches (don't make me measure it) from the mattress once laid down, so just one just won't do.

And then my opposing arm is at least a foot and a half off the bed, so unless I prop it up on something, it goes to sleep.

If at home, this doesn't even need to be a pillow, as I can choose between;

  • Mrsslippy - although my propensity for sweating like a hippo's minge tends to curtail this quite quickly
  • Busta
  • A stuffed proboscis monkey called Barry who lives down the side of the bed
  • A stuffed Yoda who lives wherever the force takes him
The great thing about Barry and Yoda, is that they have arms that attach to each other, so they can be worn like a furry armband, preventing loss during the night, although it is quite disorientating to get up in the night for a piss only to find an alien glued to your arm like a Koala on acid.

**Top tip** if you need to get up in the night, but can't turn the bedroom light on for teh fear of waking your other half, only open one eye. You can then carry out your ablutions (watch out for that depth perception though if not sitting!), and go raid the fridge.
When you turn the lights back off you'll now be blind in this eye as it has become adjusted to the light. Shut it and open the other one, and you'll still be able to see to stumble around the bedroom.

Anywho, pillows...

I've got enough, or enough substitutes at home, so why oh why oh why when I stay anywhere else, there is only ever one, and it is only ever wafer thin?

I've had the pleasure and privilege of staying in a multitude of different establishments over the years, from the most basic of wooden shacks to even worse (Travelodge, M4....), but no matter how shitty or plush the establishment is, there is only ever one pillow on the bed.

If you're lucky there's an extra one in the wardrobe, but more often than not, it's just more fucking blankets.

We just stayed in a very nice Hotel in Manaus, and despite it being 24 degrees C at night, there was a sheet, a thick over sheet, and a counterpane on the bed - none of which would actually be required for me as I would be sleeping on top of everything - yet still only one fucking pillow.

And what was there in the wardrobe? More fucking blankets!!

I harped on about this to Slippy Snr., but his suggestion was that it was easy enough to ask housekeeping for more. But why should I? In what school of Hotel Management do they teach, "When it's really fucking hot, make sure there are at least three layers of linen on the bed, and then stick some more blankets in the wardrobe just in case..."

So what generally happens is blankets get folded up and stuffed under the solitary pillow, which is bound by the laws of Hotel Management to be shit also, but if folded in half can almost be used to sleep on, as witnessed by Mrsslippy as I caught a little late afternoon catnap.

And while I'm giving friendly advice to hotels, yes, white sheets do look freshest when put on a bed, but they don't stay like that very long, but if you really want housekeeping to see exactly where I sat when I got undressed for bed, then feel free to keep them that colour.

We have brown linen at home..........

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