Mr & Mrs Slippy are on annual leave, which means no work until at least the 27th April, and a trip to Brazil to marvel at the wonders of the rain forest, and Matts massive foreskin, which due to deforestation is apparently losing at least 10 square centimeters of excess bell end brolly every day...
And what better way to celebrate, than a trip to the boozer, followed by a trip to the Chinky.
And what better way to annoy the hell out of me that by adding more superfluous machines to an already over inundated drinking hole.
If I were to stick a quid in every machine in the Robin Hood, it would cost me £25 I would walk away with...
- nowt out the cash machine. It only takes money when you take money, and I don't want to spend £6.50 to take £5 out
- nowt out the ciggy machine. I'd need to pump in £7 for 16 tabs. Thank fuck I've given up
- a packet of Smints
- 3 johnnies
- some jam rags - according to Mrs Slippy - I've never been there.....
- around 6 chocolate minstrels
- not enough skittles
- up to £25 out of one computerised game machine, but probably not.....
- up to £50 out of the two fruities, that are now also computerised, but again, highly unlikely
- 8 plastic balls out of the 8 plastic ball machines........
Because yes dear reader, what your average pub seems to require these days is a side serving of children's toys.
You know the type of thing I mean. A dispenser of frivolity that you see parked outside supermarkets, and other such areas where you might find demanding little shites.
And not suffice to just have one of these wholly inappropriate machines, the Robin Hood feels it needs eight.
In fairness, they are double stacker's, so they really only have four.
And they've split them up, so there are only two machines in any one area (each dispensing two different variety of ball), so they're not really that obtrusive.
And two of them are stacked next to a fruity, so they're handy enough for your pikey parents to placate the kids by just chucking coins straight out of one machine into the next without even having to get their lazy arses off their stools, an action made easier by the handy drinks holders built into the fruity.
I can see why they need eight, because if they only had the one, what would they choose as the theme? Now kids can run around my sanctuary happy in the knowledge that if they need a pounds worth of badly produced plastic to throw around, they can take their pick from;
- Spongebob Squarepants
- Ben 10
- Hello Kitty
- More Pokemon
- Dragonball Z
Call me old fashioned (because I am), but the boozer is for grownups. I've already stopped smoking in them, because we had to, and now I don't smoke at all thank you very much New Labour.
I get frowned at for swearing, because I might offend young Tarquin, and before you know it I'm going to be asked to move tables because I'm in the way of someone's fucking hopscotch.
Now a pint of Speckled Hen, a Bacardi and Diet Coke, and a Mr Crabs ball please landlord. We've got drinking and ballplay to get on with.
Mr & Mrs Angry , from Chinton