Rejected as a spin off series from the multi award winning best TV show on earth ever, Doctor Who, Hotrod Cow was planned to be the tale of a many uddered bovine superheroine, tearing around the highlands of Scotland in a souped up Austin Allegro.
Never getting past the pilot episode, we have instead the also cleverly anagramed spin off from the multi award winning best TV show on earth ever, Doctor Who - Torchwood.
And instead of a hairy polytit in a car, we have a massive tit in a trench coat.
Torchwood is supposed to be an 'adult version', of Doctor Who. If adding the odd 'piss', 'paedo', and 'fart' into the script makes something adult, then maybe it's not safe for pre watershed. But is that enough to make it an adult show, or is it just Doctor Who Light, made edgy with a big swear?
You could take the other spin off from the multi award winning best TV show etc....., The Sarah Jane Chronicles (a CBBC show - deffo for the kids), and turn it into an adult show by having her diddle herself stupid while K9 shoves his extendable eyepiece up her extended ringpiece, but it would still be just Doctor Who without the Doctor.
So is Torchwood sexy enough to make you want to touch wood? Is it scary enough to make you touch cloth? Or do you just want to torch the wooden actors?
It has returned to our screens this week in some kind of nightly extravaganza. Event television to force us into watching BBC1 every night, and play havoc with all the stuff that's already been series linked on Sky+
It started predictably enough. Grotesque lifeforms, fat and misshapen. Dribbling and spewing out words in an incomprehensible, alien guttural language.
Still, if you film in Cardiff, it is cheaper to use the locals as extras....
And yet even more terrifying than that, is the novel plot device used to creep us all out.
Never used before, except maybe in The Village of the Damned, The Omen, Children of the Corn, The Exorcist, Ringu, The Grudge.....erm.....Torchwood, and countless others....
Scary children.
Cheap, readily available, and fucking frightening without even the need for prosthetics, kids freak the hell out of me, especially when they all start doing the same pointy thing on mass, much like Donald Sutherland and his mates at the end of Invasion of the Bodysnatchers.
But the scary kids are just a precursor of bigger scarier things to come. The 456 are coming (not to be confused with Species 8472 from Star Trek Voyager), and the Government has made a special toxic gas filled tank for them to beam into, because as any self respecting Brit knows, if aliens wanted to come to earth, they would definitely come to London rather than Washington. There's more to see and do, and what with the Olympics round the corner, it's definitely the place to be.
However, interstellar travel does not seem to suit these creatures well. We've not yet been able to have a good look at them through the fug in their isolation tank, and it's not helped by the fact that they spew pea soup vomit down the glass every few minutes whilst squealing like a pig having it's neck slit open/Katie and Peters rendition of 'A whole new world'.
We'd better get a decent look at it in the next show. We're already 3 hours in, and I'm starting to suspect that the big reveal is going to be a bit of a let down. What's often scariest is what you don't see, so maybe they'll go down the 'keep it hidden' route.
And the biggest and scariest reveal we've had so far? The one thing that really should have stayed hiden? It's got to be the grainy image of John Barrowmans cock on a video monitor, then his bare arse covered in concrete dust, as he wandered naked and bewildered round a quarry in Wales.
This definitely nudges it way past adult entertainment, and well into not appropriate viewing for anyone.
So don't bother watching Torchwood. It is just Doctor Who Cares? Adult in attitude, but not in plotting or pace. A bit of swearing, gay characters, and a bit of gore doesn't make it into a grown up show, it just makes it Doctor Whos little brother trying to show off to impress his mates.
If you want to see real heroes battling hideous aliens in Cardiff, there's still another 4 days of "The First Ashes Test" there before the war moves on to London, and Lords.
Or "Fist Testes Sheather" as my hastily penned spin off series will be called. Or maybe "Te Shit Arse Thefts"I really haven't decided...All I do know is, it'll be better than Torchwood.
Showing posts with label review. Show all posts
Showing posts with label review. Show all posts
08 July 2009
05 July 2009
The Duckworth-Lewis Method
Not, as some readers might assume, the method your significant other uses to prevent you watching The Premiership on Sky, because they have to watch Coronation Street, and then the continuing adventures of Inspector Morses brickie turned detective sidekick.
Nor the method of calculating the target score of the second cricket team to bat following a break in play due to rain.
But very much cricket related, for Duckworth and Lewis are the alter egos of one Thomas Walsh (whom I've never heard of), and Neil Hammon - he of The Divine Comedy, Father Ted theme tune, and seminal work for the aforementioned show, My Lovely Horse.
With the Ashes just 4 days away, it's perfect timing for an album based around the joys of Cricket. There are dozens, if not hundreds of football related songs, with a couple coming out each year for the domestic finals, and then countless others at every Euro and World Cup, but when it comes to cricket, there are woefully few.
There's 10ccs Dreadlock Holiday, and Rory Bremner had a stab with n-n-nineteen
By far my favourite was one that my friend Nick brought back from Australia entitled 'Come on Aussie Come on'. I managed to find a copy of it on YouTube, but it was it's B-side 'Lah lah la la laaaah West Indies' that was the real crowd pleaser. Nick, if you've still got it on vinyl, and have the ways and means to digitise it, I'd love a copy.
But back to present day, and a whole album of cricket.
Piss take, parody, or pop gold? Lets find out.....
1) The Coin Toss - Set's the mood nicely. Let's play.
2) The Age of Revolution - It's got a 20's baseline, modern electronica, and conjures up the modern history of the game nicely. Duckworth and Lewis' first delivery finds line and length, but doesn't really challenge the batsman.
3) Gentlemen and Players - A bit like if 'Love' had put down their spliffs and knocked the ball about a bit. Wistful and summery. Just how village cricket should be, but not the Ashes. No balls to it, a no ball it is.
4) The Sweet Spot - Glam-rock-tastic. Hits the sweetspot, and it's over the pavilion and out onto The Edgware Road.
5) Jiggery Pokery - The tale of the First Test 1993 as told by Mike Gatting. An easy first innings target at Old Trafford. Merv Hughes, Ather's, Dickie Bird, and the debut of a certain young leg spinner taking him for a duck. I remember Gatts, and I hate Shane Warne too. We all do.
6) Mason on the Boundary - Delightful. Dreams of long summer days, and having a little sit down in the outfield. Just how fielding should be.
7) Rain Stops Play - Instrumental break in the proceedings, pull on the covers and go and make a cup of tea, it's only a shower....
8) Meeting Mr Miandad - Hannon/Lewis at his witty best. Off to Pakistan in a VW Camper Van. An historical, phantasmagorical destiny. I'm going to be humming this for days. It's another six.
9) The Nightwatchman - The melancholy song of the fall guy brought up the batting order at the end of the day so one of the big hitters doesn't lose his wicket to failing light. I remember Jack Russell coming on as a nightwatchman against Sri Lanka in the 80's and still being there the following lunch time, nearly making a century. Not bad for a banana eating, floppy hatted, wicket keeping Derek Smalls lookalike.
10) Flatten the Hay - Still full of whimsy. Duckworth and Lewis clearly like their cricket in the cucumber sandwiches and tea in the pavilion variety.
11) Test Match Special - Who doesn't love a bit of TMS.
12) The End of the Over - The official end of the album on the sleeve, but as I bought it from itunes, it's patently obvious that there's a hidden bonus track....
13) Pedalo - The funky misadventures of a man on a pedalo in the Caribbean. What on earth could this have to do with cricket?
All in all it's quite a nice little listen. As expected from Neil Hannon, it's clever lyrics and generally full of optimism for an idyllic English (or Irish) summer, watching gentleman players as the sun goes down on the village pitch. Neither piss take nor parody. He proper likes cricket, alhough his glasses are rather more rose tinted than the sporty wraparounds favoured by players these days.
I will be mostly watching the games finish via a pop up window on my pc at work Ball by ball scores, praying for a miracle. And that's provided each Test isn't all wrapped up in 4 days...
You never know, Australia might lose.
Because that's what it will take, not England winning - we're clearly not good enough for that, Australia need to lose. But given their (Andrew Symondsless) showing in the Twenty20, anything is possible.
At least we won't be beaten by Duckworth-Lewis in the event of rain (unlike Twenty20), because in Test Cricket you can still play for 5 days and come away with a draw.
What a great sport.
Nor the method of calculating the target score of the second cricket team to bat following a break in play due to rain.
But very much cricket related, for Duckworth and Lewis are the alter egos of one Thomas Walsh (whom I've never heard of), and Neil Hammon - he of The Divine Comedy, Father Ted theme tune, and seminal work for the aforementioned show, My Lovely Horse.
With the Ashes just 4 days away, it's perfect timing for an album based around the joys of Cricket. There are dozens, if not hundreds of football related songs, with a couple coming out each year for the domestic finals, and then countless others at every Euro and World Cup, but when it comes to cricket, there are woefully few.
There's 10ccs Dreadlock Holiday, and Rory Bremner had a stab with n-n-nineteen
By far my favourite was one that my friend Nick brought back from Australia entitled 'Come on Aussie Come on'. I managed to find a copy of it on YouTube, but it was it's B-side 'Lah lah la la laaaah West Indies' that was the real crowd pleaser. Nick, if you've still got it on vinyl, and have the ways and means to digitise it, I'd love a copy.
But back to present day, and a whole album of cricket.
Piss take, parody, or pop gold? Lets find out.....
1) The Coin Toss - Set's the mood nicely. Let's play.
2) The Age of Revolution - It's got a 20's baseline, modern electronica, and conjures up the modern history of the game nicely. Duckworth and Lewis' first delivery finds line and length, but doesn't really challenge the batsman.
3) Gentlemen and Players - A bit like if 'Love' had put down their spliffs and knocked the ball about a bit. Wistful and summery. Just how village cricket should be, but not the Ashes. No balls to it, a no ball it is.
4) The Sweet Spot - Glam-rock-tastic. Hits the sweetspot, and it's over the pavilion and out onto The Edgware Road.
5) Jiggery Pokery - The tale of the First Test 1993 as told by Mike Gatting. An easy first innings target at Old Trafford. Merv Hughes, Ather's, Dickie Bird, and the debut of a certain young leg spinner taking him for a duck. I remember Gatts, and I hate Shane Warne too. We all do.
6) Mason on the Boundary - Delightful. Dreams of long summer days, and having a little sit down in the outfield. Just how fielding should be.
7) Rain Stops Play - Instrumental break in the proceedings, pull on the covers and go and make a cup of tea, it's only a shower....
8) Meeting Mr Miandad - Hannon/Lewis at his witty best. Off to Pakistan in a VW Camper Van. An historical, phantasmagorical destiny. I'm going to be humming this for days. It's another six.
9) The Nightwatchman - The melancholy song of the fall guy brought up the batting order at the end of the day so one of the big hitters doesn't lose his wicket to failing light. I remember Jack Russell coming on as a nightwatchman against Sri Lanka in the 80's and still being there the following lunch time, nearly making a century. Not bad for a banana eating, floppy hatted, wicket keeping Derek Smalls lookalike.
10) Flatten the Hay - Still full of whimsy. Duckworth and Lewis clearly like their cricket in the cucumber sandwiches and tea in the pavilion variety.
11) Test Match Special - Who doesn't love a bit of TMS.
12) The End of the Over - The official end of the album on the sleeve, but as I bought it from itunes, it's patently obvious that there's a hidden bonus track....
13) Pedalo - The funky misadventures of a man on a pedalo in the Caribbean. What on earth could this have to do with cricket?
All in all it's quite a nice little listen. As expected from Neil Hannon, it's clever lyrics and generally full of optimism for an idyllic English (or Irish) summer, watching gentleman players as the sun goes down on the village pitch. Neither piss take nor parody. He proper likes cricket, alhough his glasses are rather more rose tinted than the sporty wraparounds favoured by players these days.
I will be mostly watching the games finish via a pop up window on my pc at work Ball by ball scores, praying for a miracle. And that's provided each Test isn't all wrapped up in 4 days...
You never know, Australia might lose.
Because that's what it will take, not England winning - we're clearly not good enough for that, Australia need to lose. But given their (Andrew Symondsless) showing in the Twenty20, anything is possible.
At least we won't be beaten by Duckworth-Lewis in the event of rain (unlike Twenty20), because in Test Cricket you can still play for 5 days and come away with a draw.
What a great sport.
13 June 2009
The Lunatics are playing at the Asylum
This morning I was alerted via Facebook that Stoxie had been incarcerated in the West Ryder Pauper Lunatic Asylum.
As my fuzzy Saturday morning brain, (poisoned by a post work pub crawl with Chinny culminating in meeting up with respective birds and friends at the Green Dragon) tried to process what I was reading, it finally made sense.
Kasabians new album has been out since 5th June. Stoxie has bought it and enjoyed it, and I had forgotten all about it.
Oops....
A quick trip to iTunes, and balance in the universe has been restored, but is it any good?
1) Underdog - Good, steady opener. Trippy beats and Serges guitar reminiscent of the first excellent album. So far so good.
2) Where Did All the Love Go? - ooh er - it's all gone a bit Cock-er-ney for Leicesters finest. What's going on Tom? I still like it, it just sounds a bit odd. Sing us a-nov-ahhh one boys.
3) Swarfiga - An homage to the green gelatinous industrial hand cleanser? Nope just 2:18 of an urgent baseline, and no lyrics. I wash my hands of it!
4) Fast Fuse - Now this is good. Great riff. I'm nodding my head to it as hard and fast as it's swollen contents will allow. Feels a little bit psychedelic 60's at time, but it fucking rocks. I'm gonna have this riff in my head all day, and I ain't complaining.
5) Take Aim - The strings are out, and Tom sounds a bit pissed and confused. It's all layered electonica, fuzzy guitars and horns. Not a dancer, but certainly a come downer. Come home off your tits and wind down to it.
6) Thick as Thieves -We're stuck in the Sixties for this beautiful one. I can hear Ray Davis doing this, and it works for, as long as I don't get Bernard Cribbins sing about digging holes stuck in my head, because at times, it is just a teensy bit similar...or People are Strange by The Doors. Definitely wearing their influences on their sleeves, and rightly so.
7) West Ryder Silver Bullet - "Then I went down into the basement where my friend the maniac busies himself with his electronic graffiti. Finally his language touches me, because he talks to that part of us which insists on drawing profiles on prison walls. In that moment, poetry will be made by everyone, and there will be emus in the zone.."
As an opening poem read by a clearly unhinged women, it's not a typical song start. Man alive this is a weird one. Roll yourselves a big fat scooby and chill out to tripped out fucked up duet with American actress Rosario Dawson
8) Vlad the Impaler - Stub out that fat one and gobble down some disco bisuits. More killer riffs and dirty electronics....Get loose, get loose...You dancin'? I'm askin'.
9) Ladies and Gentlemen (Roll the Dice) - Another chill out. Sorry boys, but I can't really be arsed with this one. It's alright, just nothing special...
10) Secret Alphabets - More psychedelic. If the first album was to go clubbing with your mates to, then this is the one for when you come home mashed, and lie in a darkened room wondering whether you should roll one, or go raid the liqueur cabinet.
11) Fire - The first single off the album (bet Fast Fuse is next), and it's a stomper.Love it, love it, love it.
12) Happiness - The album ends on much the same vein it has tapped throughout. Chilled and whimsical. Sloppy dub breakbeats that you can tap along to, but not necessarily get up and dance.
All in all a fine album. Some great guitar hooks, and plenty of time for some downtime to ponder on the important hings in life.
Thanks for the reminder Stoxie, I think I shall spend the rest of the day incarcerated with you.
As my fuzzy Saturday morning brain, (poisoned by a post work pub crawl with Chinny culminating in meeting up with respective birds and friends at the Green Dragon) tried to process what I was reading, it finally made sense.
Kasabians new album has been out since 5th June. Stoxie has bought it and enjoyed it, and I had forgotten all about it.
Oops....
A quick trip to iTunes, and balance in the universe has been restored, but is it any good?
1) Underdog - Good, steady opener. Trippy beats and Serges guitar reminiscent of the first excellent album. So far so good.
2) Where Did All the Love Go? - ooh er - it's all gone a bit Cock-er-ney for Leicesters finest. What's going on Tom? I still like it, it just sounds a bit odd. Sing us a-nov-ahhh one boys.
3) Swarfiga - An homage to the green gelatinous industrial hand cleanser? Nope just 2:18 of an urgent baseline, and no lyrics. I wash my hands of it!
4) Fast Fuse - Now this is good. Great riff. I'm nodding my head to it as hard and fast as it's swollen contents will allow. Feels a little bit psychedelic 60's at time, but it fucking rocks. I'm gonna have this riff in my head all day, and I ain't complaining.
5) Take Aim - The strings are out, and Tom sounds a bit pissed and confused. It's all layered electonica, fuzzy guitars and horns. Not a dancer, but certainly a come downer. Come home off your tits and wind down to it.
6) Thick as Thieves -We're stuck in the Sixties for this beautiful one. I can hear Ray Davis doing this, and it works for, as long as I don't get Bernard Cribbins sing about digging holes stuck in my head, because at times, it is just a teensy bit similar...or People are Strange by The Doors. Definitely wearing their influences on their sleeves, and rightly so.
7) West Ryder Silver Bullet - "Then I went down into the basement where my friend the maniac busies himself with his electronic graffiti. Finally his language touches me, because he talks to that part of us which insists on drawing profiles on prison walls. In that moment, poetry will be made by everyone, and there will be emus in the zone.."
As an opening poem read by a clearly unhinged women, it's not a typical song start. Man alive this is a weird one. Roll yourselves a big fat scooby and chill out to tripped out fucked up duet with American actress Rosario Dawson
8) Vlad the Impaler - Stub out that fat one and gobble down some disco bisuits. More killer riffs and dirty electronics....Get loose, get loose...You dancin'? I'm askin'.
9) Ladies and Gentlemen (Roll the Dice) - Another chill out. Sorry boys, but I can't really be arsed with this one. It's alright, just nothing special...
10) Secret Alphabets - More psychedelic. If the first album was to go clubbing with your mates to, then this is the one for when you come home mashed, and lie in a darkened room wondering whether you should roll one, or go raid the liqueur cabinet.
11) Fire - The first single off the album (bet Fast Fuse is next), and it's a stomper.Love it, love it, love it.
12) Happiness - The album ends on much the same vein it has tapped throughout. Chilled and whimsical. Sloppy dub breakbeats that you can tap along to, but not necessarily get up and dance.
All in all a fine album. Some great guitar hooks, and plenty of time for some downtime to ponder on the important hings in life.
Thanks for the reminder Stoxie, I think I shall spend the rest of the day incarcerated with you.
24 March 2009
HESTVS BLVMENTHVS
Heston's back, and he's gone all Romanesque. I'm hoping he serves hors d'oeuvres a la Monty Python's Life of Brian snack seller at the Colosseum.
He's promising a feast fit for Caligula. That'll be feasting on a horses cock then...
..raw...
..and still attached...
..and twitching and throbbing...
..yum.
Tonight's guests include;
Danny Wallace(presumably still in 'Yes Man' mode, Greta Scatchi, and the posh(er) one from Armstrong and Miller - you know - the one that flogs Pimms, and rent-a-loon in loons, The Marquis of Bath.
Well the hors d'oeuvres aren't a kick in the arse from larks' tongues, wrens' livers, chaffinch brains, jaguars' earlobes and wolf nipple chips.
Nipples are on the menu. Pigs nipple scratchings. You dirty bastard. You're at it again ruining a perfectly good pub snack. I like pork scratchings, even when they're still bristly, but if the nipples were hairy, then that'd be just wrong.
Starter, calves brain custard, which at the moment he's mixing with Thai fish sauce. The one that really stinks (but I like). Strangely every unsuspecting member of the public that he cons into tasting it immediately bokes it back. Can't imagine why...
Under the belief that it's the fish sauce that's ruining the tasty brains, as it's not 'proper bo' , he's off in search of some mackerels guts to ferment, as this would be 'authentic'. We're also reliably informed that Worcester Sauce is made from fermented anchovies. No it's not, they drill for it round the back of the Cathedral, just like there's a HP Sauce well just behind the Houses of Parliament.
As if we'd put rotten fish on a nice bit of cheese on toast!
Main course is a Trojan Hog with sausages for intestines. Could be safe to eat, but who knows how he plans to defile it yet...
Just so we can be sure that the 'intestines' look realistic, we're treated to the sight of a real pig being gutted. Unnecessary. Thank god I've already eaten.
And how do you boil a whole pig? Why 24 hours in a hot tub of course! I think he's taking the whole Roman Bath thing to extremes. Danny Wallace just said on Twitter that he believes he's one of the few people in the world to have eaten a pig cooked in a Jacuzzi. I'm sure there are several people out there who've had a gobble on Michael Winner...
Then with the aid of an endoscope he's stuffing a hollowed out spit roasted pig with the rankest sausages you've ever seen, all lubricated with some yellow/brown fluid that looks suspiciously like faecal fluid to me. I really don't want to see them slop out onto the table.
OH MY GOD...that is gross.
Dessert will be ejaculating cakes. The Romans had some kind of phallic pudding that jizzes fruit juice and saffron custard, but what he says he really wants is a 'bubbling' effect, rather than a grand spurt.
Heston, you've spent too long standing in front of an industrial microwave if your spunk gun doesn't so much shoot, as bubble out a frothy love custard. There's something seriously wrong with you.
A center piece of a statue with a gigantic cock is brought out followed by....
Chocolate sponge bell end!
Nice!
Danny Wallace is well out of his comfort zone, and who can blame him with the batty Marquis of Bath marvelling at the tables centre piece, and contemplating what he would do if he had a 2 foot cock.
'Pour your juices into the hole' says the maitre d with no sense of irony whatsoever.
And what do they like most about it? It's got space dust in it. You can't take credit for that, you can buy it in the corner shop for 10p.
Yep, Roman Heston is just as bonkers and sex obsessed as he has been in other time periods, and is a master of showmanship, but that food had better taste good, because once again, the ingredients are just plain wrong.
He's promising a feast fit for Caligula. That'll be feasting on a horses cock then...
..raw...
..and still attached...
..and twitching and throbbing...
..yum.
Tonight's guests include;
Danny Wallace(presumably still in 'Yes Man' mode, Greta Scatchi, and the posh(er) one from Armstrong and Miller - you know - the one that flogs Pimms, and rent-a-loon in loons, The Marquis of Bath.
Well the hors d'oeuvres aren't a kick in the arse from larks' tongues, wrens' livers, chaffinch brains, jaguars' earlobes and wolf nipple chips.
Nipples are on the menu. Pigs nipple scratchings. You dirty bastard. You're at it again ruining a perfectly good pub snack. I like pork scratchings, even when they're still bristly, but if the nipples were hairy, then that'd be just wrong.
Starter, calves brain custard, which at the moment he's mixing with Thai fish sauce. The one that really stinks (but I like). Strangely every unsuspecting member of the public that he cons into tasting it immediately bokes it back. Can't imagine why...
Under the belief that it's the fish sauce that's ruining the tasty brains, as it's not 'proper bo' , he's off in search of some mackerels guts to ferment, as this would be 'authentic'. We're also reliably informed that Worcester Sauce is made from fermented anchovies. No it's not, they drill for it round the back of the Cathedral, just like there's a HP Sauce well just behind the Houses of Parliament.
As if we'd put rotten fish on a nice bit of cheese on toast!
Main course is a Trojan Hog with sausages for intestines. Could be safe to eat, but who knows how he plans to defile it yet...
Just so we can be sure that the 'intestines' look realistic, we're treated to the sight of a real pig being gutted. Unnecessary. Thank god I've already eaten.
And how do you boil a whole pig? Why 24 hours in a hot tub of course! I think he's taking the whole Roman Bath thing to extremes. Danny Wallace just said on Twitter that he believes he's one of the few people in the world to have eaten a pig cooked in a Jacuzzi. I'm sure there are several people out there who've had a gobble on Michael Winner...
Then with the aid of an endoscope he's stuffing a hollowed out spit roasted pig with the rankest sausages you've ever seen, all lubricated with some yellow/brown fluid that looks suspiciously like faecal fluid to me. I really don't want to see them slop out onto the table.
OH MY GOD...that is gross.
Dessert will be ejaculating cakes. The Romans had some kind of phallic pudding that jizzes fruit juice and saffron custard, but what he says he really wants is a 'bubbling' effect, rather than a grand spurt.
Heston, you've spent too long standing in front of an industrial microwave if your spunk gun doesn't so much shoot, as bubble out a frothy love custard. There's something seriously wrong with you.
A center piece of a statue with a gigantic cock is brought out followed by....
Chocolate sponge bell end!
Nice!
Danny Wallace is well out of his comfort zone, and who can blame him with the batty Marquis of Bath marvelling at the tables centre piece, and contemplating what he would do if he had a 2 foot cock.
'Pour your juices into the hole' says the maitre d with no sense of irony whatsoever.
And what do they like most about it? It's got space dust in it. You can't take credit for that, you can buy it in the corner shop for 10p.
Yep, Roman Heston is just as bonkers and sex obsessed as he has been in other time periods, and is a master of showmanship, but that food had better taste good, because once again, the ingredients are just plain wrong.
21 March 2009
Lesbian Vampire Killers
Lesbian Vampire Killers.
It seems to be lacking some punctuation somewhere. I know from the trailer what this is supposed to be about, but is it;
a) Lesbians, who kill vampires.
b) Lesbians, who are vampires and kill people.
c) Killers of lesbians, who are vampires.
d) People tho kill vampire lesbians.
If you guessed 'd' then you are correct! And have no doubt seen the aforementioned trailer that gives me some concerns that Messers. Cordon and Horne have pushed their popularity a little to far, as it looks like an absolute stinker.
The words 'lesbian', 'vampire', and 'killer' when thrown into any film title increase the chances of 'their demographic' (of which I am one) watching it, but is this a case of the law of diminishing returns?
Call a film 'Ichi', and I probably won't give it a second look, but 'Ichi the Killer' - now that's a hook that's worth a look. Featuring the Yakuza, martial arts, and a psychotic hitman with a Chelsea Smile held together with rings at the corners of his mouth. He can blow smoke through the unhealed slits in his cheeks. It's seriously fucked up bit of surreal Japanese fare, and I have a copy if you want to borrow it.
I film about a D.I.Y? Not interested. But 'Driller Killer'? Another from my personal collection. Before his more commercial love letters to the rotten to the core under belly of the Big Apple, King of New York with Christopher Walken, or 'Bad Lieutenant' with Harvey Kietel, Abel Ferrera directed himself in this low budget shocker of an artist losing his mind, who spends his nights killing time, and homeless people with a power drill. A nice family Christmas film.Check it out.
'Regarding Henry' -schmaltzy nonsense with Harrison Ford. 'Henry:Portrait of a Serial Killer' - seriously challenging film making, with a protagonist who makes Dexter look like Ned Flanders.
Yep, throwing a bit of Killer into the mix generally increases my interest.
But what about some Vampire action? I grew up on Hammer Horror, and there's no doubt that the Vampire genre is both massive, and slightly dubious in some of it's fare. Yes Eddie Murphy, I'm talking to you for your absolutely risible 'Vampire in Brooklyn'.
And the number of Lesbian films is probably even greater. Even discounting the straight to DVD 'special interest films', according to IMDB there are over 50 'proper films' with lesbian in the title ('Song of the Lesbian Pirates' being possibly my favourite). I'm sure that there are an exponentially larger number than that available, but you'll have to Google them yourself.
So Vampire on it's own is unreliable. Lesbian even more so. What if we mix them together?
Several years ago I saw an 'art horror' film called 'Vampyros Lesbos', probably on late at night onChannel 4. More in the style of a mildly erotic Hammer film, and badly dubbed, IMDBb informs me that its English title is 'The Vampire Women'.
Bollocks.
'Lesbos' does not translate as 'women', and even if it does, these women just happened to prefer to drink their blood from a furry cup.
IMDb also informs me of another Vampire Lesbian film that I was not aware of, 'Vampire Lesbian Kickboxers'. There's not much to go on in the IMDb description, but as it's suggestive of a softcore porn meets Jean Claude Van Damme (Kickboxer), then I'll probably want to give it a miss.
Combine Vampire and Killers then you get the charming and funny 'The Fearless Vampire Killers' aka 'Dance of the Vampires. Made by and starring Roman Polanski in happier times ie before he made Chinatown and Rosemary's Baby. Featuring his wife Sharon Tate (later killed by the Mansun family), and pre shagging 13 year olds shenanigans that put him so out of favour with Hollywood, he's now been re accepted, largely thanks to 'The Pianist', for which he won an Oscar in 2002. Dig out this 1967 parody on Hammer Horror. It's a little gem.
So.....
Lesbian = highly dubious
Vampire = unreliable
Killer = good
Lesbian + Vampire = arty/soft porn
Lesbian + Killer = Jean Claude Van Damme danger
Vampire + Killer = good
If only Matt and James followed this little rule, they could have avoided pissing away their popularity on a one joke film that will no doubt please the Nuts and Zoo readers, who once they've finished wanking at a pair of false tits and laughing because someone said 'cock' will be left wondering what they're going to do for the rest of the film.
Putting 3 of your favourite words together does not necessarily make for a good film. Who'd like to watch..
Alcoholic Hillwalking Footballers?
Musical Jedi Cats?
Ninja Cooking Cricketers?
Ok, maybe I would, but that's not the point. The point is that I like James Cordon & Matt Horne. I like Gavin & Stacey. Their sketch show's ok. What I don't like is them cashing in on their popularity by pumping out puerile dross when we know they're so much better than this. Right now, if James Cordon offered to shit in peoples mouths for money, people would pay him to do it. But if you feed people shit, after a while they aren't going to want to look at the menu anymore.
You know you can do better this boys. Stop taking the piss.
Although, true, I haven't even seen the film, and probably won't even when it eventually comes to Sky (give it 3 months..). It might be really good....
If you have seen it, and disagree, let me know.
I'll set my Gay Werewolf on you.
It seems to be lacking some punctuation somewhere. I know from the trailer what this is supposed to be about, but is it;
a) Lesbians, who kill vampires.
b) Lesbians, who are vampires and kill people.
c) Killers of lesbians, who are vampires.
d) People tho kill vampire lesbians.
If you guessed 'd' then you are correct! And have no doubt seen the aforementioned trailer that gives me some concerns that Messers. Cordon and Horne have pushed their popularity a little to far, as it looks like an absolute stinker.
The words 'lesbian', 'vampire', and 'killer' when thrown into any film title increase the chances of 'their demographic' (of which I am one) watching it, but is this a case of the law of diminishing returns?
Call a film 'Ichi', and I probably won't give it a second look, but 'Ichi the Killer' - now that's a hook that's worth a look. Featuring the Yakuza, martial arts, and a psychotic hitman with a Chelsea Smile held together with rings at the corners of his mouth. He can blow smoke through the unhealed slits in his cheeks. It's seriously fucked up bit of surreal Japanese fare, and I have a copy if you want to borrow it.
I film about a D.I.Y? Not interested. But 'Driller Killer'? Another from my personal collection. Before his more commercial love letters to the rotten to the core under belly of the Big Apple, King of New York with Christopher Walken, or 'Bad Lieutenant' with Harvey Kietel, Abel Ferrera directed himself in this low budget shocker of an artist losing his mind, who spends his nights killing time, and homeless people with a power drill. A nice family Christmas film.Check it out.
'Regarding Henry' -schmaltzy nonsense with Harrison Ford. 'Henry:Portrait of a Serial Killer' - seriously challenging film making, with a protagonist who makes Dexter look like Ned Flanders.
Yep, throwing a bit of Killer into the mix generally increases my interest.
But what about some Vampire action? I grew up on Hammer Horror, and there's no doubt that the Vampire genre is both massive, and slightly dubious in some of it's fare. Yes Eddie Murphy, I'm talking to you for your absolutely risible 'Vampire in Brooklyn'.
And the number of Lesbian films is probably even greater. Even discounting the straight to DVD 'special interest films', according to IMDB there are over 50 'proper films' with lesbian in the title ('Song of the Lesbian Pirates' being possibly my favourite). I'm sure that there are an exponentially larger number than that available, but you'll have to Google them yourself.
So Vampire on it's own is unreliable. Lesbian even more so. What if we mix them together?
Several years ago I saw an 'art horror' film called 'Vampyros Lesbos', probably on late at night onChannel 4. More in the style of a mildly erotic Hammer film, and badly dubbed, IMDBb informs me that its English title is 'The Vampire Women'.
Bollocks.
'Lesbos' does not translate as 'women', and even if it does, these women just happened to prefer to drink their blood from a furry cup.
IMDb also informs me of another Vampire Lesbian film that I was not aware of, 'Vampire Lesbian Kickboxers'. There's not much to go on in the IMDb description, but as it's suggestive of a softcore porn meets Jean Claude Van Damme (Kickboxer), then I'll probably want to give it a miss.
Combine Vampire and Killers then you get the charming and funny 'The Fearless Vampire Killers' aka 'Dance of the Vampires. Made by and starring Roman Polanski in happier times ie before he made Chinatown and Rosemary's Baby. Featuring his wife Sharon Tate (later killed by the Mansun family), and pre shagging 13 year olds shenanigans that put him so out of favour with Hollywood, he's now been re accepted, largely thanks to 'The Pianist', for which he won an Oscar in 2002. Dig out this 1967 parody on Hammer Horror. It's a little gem.
So.....
Lesbian = highly dubious
Vampire = unreliable
Killer = good
Lesbian + Vampire = arty/soft porn
Lesbian + Killer = Jean Claude Van Damme danger
Vampire + Killer = good
If only Matt and James followed this little rule, they could have avoided pissing away their popularity on a one joke film that will no doubt please the Nuts and Zoo readers, who once they've finished wanking at a pair of false tits and laughing because someone said 'cock' will be left wondering what they're going to do for the rest of the film.
Putting 3 of your favourite words together does not necessarily make for a good film. Who'd like to watch..
Alcoholic Hillwalking Footballers?
Musical Jedi Cats?
Ninja Cooking Cricketers?
Ok, maybe I would, but that's not the point. The point is that I like James Cordon & Matt Horne. I like Gavin & Stacey. Their sketch show's ok. What I don't like is them cashing in on their popularity by pumping out puerile dross when we know they're so much better than this. Right now, if James Cordon offered to shit in peoples mouths for money, people would pay him to do it. But if you feed people shit, after a while they aren't going to want to look at the menu anymore.
You know you can do better this boys. Stop taking the piss.
Although, true, I haven't even seen the film, and probably won't even when it eventually comes to Sky (give it 3 months..). It might be really good....
If you have seen it, and disagree, let me know.
I'll set my Gay Werewolf on you.
17 March 2009
Heston Bloominmad
Tonight sees the latest instalment of Heston Blumenthals series of bonkers food as the culinary clown prince goes all Tudor.
The Christmas special he did was incredible, but edible gold frankincense and myrrh not too easy to replicate in the home kitchen.
The Victorians gave us absinthe and dildo jelly, Medieval England had edible tableware. What can the Tudors give us?
Bring it on!
He’s promising extravagant, flamboyant an spectacular, but can he deliver?
I’m already a little put off my own dinner by what’s on the screen, but at least we won’t be eating Cilla Black, or at least I hope not. There’s some imagery I don’t want to get into, especially not with the equally unsavoury Kelvin MacKenzie.
First off, he’s making Butter Beer in St Albans. It reminds me of the warm cider you get at the Cambridge Folk Festival. Warm, sweet and acidic, with lumps in it. Vomit in a glass. Bleugh. Pint of Broadside please landlord.
Starter - more wobbly food, frog blancmange. You dirty bastard. He’s in a Chinese kitchen in New York learning how to prepare them. I don’t think we really needed to see them get their heads cut off while still alive. As anyone who knows me will confirm I’ll eat anything, but I’m not convinced that I really want frog blancmange, although it does look very pretty with the deep fried frogs legs on lily pads.
Next, Cockentrice. A mythical creature of half pig, half capon. Easily confused these Tudors. You’d think you’d notice it just two animals sewn together. Think manbearpig from South Park, or The Beast of Royston Vasey.
“Isn’t that just a cock with the head of a pig?”. “Yes - It’s Kelvin Mackenzie. He used to edit the Sun”, I thank you…
Unhappy with the simplicity of this, he’s gone to a taxidermists to experiment with proper animashes, but is just fucking about with soft toys, which mrsslippy finds most disturbing. There’s fluff everywhere….
Cockentrice finally on the table, and as great as to looks, there ain’t a lot of meat in it, and as mrsslippy quite correctly points out - it looks like spam. Even Kelvin is finally happy. Fuckwit.
Dessert is a pudding. Rice pudding. I don’t like the stuff at the best of times, so what crazy twist is he going to put on it? If he’s using ‘special milk’ ie anything that doesn’t come from a teat, or the teats of a person, then I’m turning it off.
Nooooo - he’s defiling a sausage skin by stuffing it with rice pudding! If you gave me a sausage filled with that muck I’d punch your face in.
Fuck me it gets worse. He’s decided the sausage skin is too difficult to peel to get the goodness out. He needs something sausage shaped that is waterproof and lubricated…..
You guessed it.
You filthy fucker. He’s cooking rice pudding in condoms then trying to pass it off as a sausage. No wonder everyone in his restaurant got ill. The man is sick. Seriously sick.
All in all it’s all done with smoke and mirrors. Looks impressive, but is it style over content? Probably.
I’m off to dig the pistachio ice cream out the freezer. I might roll it into little balls and smother it in chocolate sauce so I can pretend it’s peas and gravy, but then again, I’ll probably just eat it out the tub.
The Christmas special he did was incredible, but edible gold frankincense and myrrh not too easy to replicate in the home kitchen.
The Victorians gave us absinthe and dildo jelly, Medieval England had edible tableware. What can the Tudors give us?
Bring it on!
He’s promising extravagant, flamboyant an spectacular, but can he deliver?
I’m already a little put off my own dinner by what’s on the screen, but at least we won’t be eating Cilla Black, or at least I hope not. There’s some imagery I don’t want to get into, especially not with the equally unsavoury Kelvin MacKenzie.
First off, he’s making Butter Beer in St Albans. It reminds me of the warm cider you get at the Cambridge Folk Festival. Warm, sweet and acidic, with lumps in it. Vomit in a glass. Bleugh. Pint of Broadside please landlord.
Starter - more wobbly food, frog blancmange. You dirty bastard. He’s in a Chinese kitchen in New York learning how to prepare them. I don’t think we really needed to see them get their heads cut off while still alive. As anyone who knows me will confirm I’ll eat anything, but I’m not convinced that I really want frog blancmange, although it does look very pretty with the deep fried frogs legs on lily pads.
Next, Cockentrice. A mythical creature of half pig, half capon. Easily confused these Tudors. You’d think you’d notice it just two animals sewn together. Think manbearpig from South Park, or The Beast of Royston Vasey.
“Isn’t that just a cock with the head of a pig?”. “Yes - It’s Kelvin Mackenzie. He used to edit the Sun”, I thank you…
Unhappy with the simplicity of this, he’s gone to a taxidermists to experiment with proper animashes, but is just fucking about with soft toys, which mrsslippy finds most disturbing. There’s fluff everywhere….
Cockentrice finally on the table, and as great as to looks, there ain’t a lot of meat in it, and as mrsslippy quite correctly points out - it looks like spam. Even Kelvin is finally happy. Fuckwit.
Dessert is a pudding. Rice pudding. I don’t like the stuff at the best of times, so what crazy twist is he going to put on it? If he’s using ‘special milk’ ie anything that doesn’t come from a teat, or the teats of a person, then I’m turning it off.
Nooooo - he’s defiling a sausage skin by stuffing it with rice pudding! If you gave me a sausage filled with that muck I’d punch your face in.
Fuck me it gets worse. He’s decided the sausage skin is too difficult to peel to get the goodness out. He needs something sausage shaped that is waterproof and lubricated…..
You guessed it.
You filthy fucker. He’s cooking rice pudding in condoms then trying to pass it off as a sausage. No wonder everyone in his restaurant got ill. The man is sick. Seriously sick.
All in all it’s all done with smoke and mirrors. Looks impressive, but is it style over content? Probably.
I’m off to dig the pistachio ice cream out the freezer. I might roll it into little balls and smother it in chocolate sauce so I can pretend it’s peas and gravy, but then again, I’ll probably just eat it out the tub.
13 March 2009
Bloody Yorkshire
I've finally got round to watching the first episode of Channel 4's 'challenging' drama, Red Riding, and good as it was, fuck me it was bleak.
Not so much of a 'who done it?' as a 'how was it?', and if it's gritty realism is true, then living oop North the 70's was pretty shit. Born in Grimsby in 1972, I was over in Hull when the programme was set (1974), and moved to Chesterfield in 1976, before moving to the safety of the South a couple of years later, where I have been exiled ever since.
Whereas the 70' s of Sam Tyler in Life on Mars were rose tinted, with flared trousers, cartoon coppers, and perpetual blue skys, the spectacles worn by Red Riding were nicotine stained and smeared in stale chip fat. Brick dust and concrete blended into a murky grey sky where rain was always imminent, or already here. Policemen didn't call you a nonce and give you a slap, you were stripped, bound, gagged, tortured and tormented, and that's for trying to catch a child murderer, not being one. Tough times indeed.
I'm sure I've got some photos of me back in the day where the sun is shining, but the ones that are close to hand were all taken indoors. Probably because it was pissing down outside.
Nostalgia can play nasty tricks on you. I've probably got skewed memories of really good times in the 70's. I've already found due to the power of the internet that one of my favourite shows, Animal Kwackers, had really ropey opening titles, but I thought they were great.
And were politicians as corrupt as TV drama would have us believe? The only politician I was aware of as a Northern child was that lovely lady who stopped us from having to drink tiny bottles of milk with tiny blue straws before we were allowed to go out to play. It was always warm from being left out in a crate in the playground all morning, and absolutely rank. Such a nice, sweet lady for saving us from that. I wonder what ever happened to her? 'Thatcher' I think her name was.....
And the food was great, although I wasn't too keen on the beefy Findus Crispy Pancakes (mrsslippy still eats them! Dirty girl!!), and you couldn't get any sun dried tomatoes or ciabatta.
I used to love the Cherryade that the milkman left. I vaguely remember it being in a cool (to me ) advert, but I can't find it on Google or YouTube.
And those toys! I had a Six Million Dollar Man with a bionic eye and a bit of plastic circuitry hidden under a rubbery layer of skin on his arm that I honestly believed if I tucked it up my sleeve it would make me stronger. And an Evil Knievel that would drive for at least 2 feet before careering off to the side and falling over.
No, the 70's were ok. Sure, they weren't a patch on the 80's, but not quite as depressing as the little patch of Yorkshire I've just spent the last 2 hours watching
Tomorrow I'm going to watch part 2. Two hours of light entertainment around the hunting of the Yorkshire Ripper. How can that not be a good thing?
Not so much of a 'who done it?' as a 'how was it?', and if it's gritty realism is true, then living oop North the 70's was pretty shit. Born in Grimsby in 1972, I was over in Hull when the programme was set (1974), and moved to Chesterfield in 1976, before moving to the safety of the South a couple of years later, where I have been exiled ever since.
Whereas the 70' s of Sam Tyler in Life on Mars were rose tinted, with flared trousers, cartoon coppers, and perpetual blue skys, the spectacles worn by Red Riding were nicotine stained and smeared in stale chip fat. Brick dust and concrete blended into a murky grey sky where rain was always imminent, or already here. Policemen didn't call you a nonce and give you a slap, you were stripped, bound, gagged, tortured and tormented, and that's for trying to catch a child murderer, not being one. Tough times indeed.
I'm sure I've got some photos of me back in the day where the sun is shining, but the ones that are close to hand were all taken indoors. Probably because it was pissing down outside.
Nostalgia can play nasty tricks on you. I've probably got skewed memories of really good times in the 70's. I've already found due to the power of the internet that one of my favourite shows, Animal Kwackers, had really ropey opening titles, but I thought they were great.
And were politicians as corrupt as TV drama would have us believe? The only politician I was aware of as a Northern child was that lovely lady who stopped us from having to drink tiny bottles of milk with tiny blue straws before we were allowed to go out to play. It was always warm from being left out in a crate in the playground all morning, and absolutely rank. Such a nice, sweet lady for saving us from that. I wonder what ever happened to her? 'Thatcher' I think her name was.....
And the food was great, although I wasn't too keen on the beefy Findus Crispy Pancakes (mrsslippy still eats them! Dirty girl!!), and you couldn't get any sun dried tomatoes or ciabatta.
I used to love the Cherryade that the milkman left. I vaguely remember it being in a cool (to me ) advert, but I can't find it on Google or YouTube.
And those toys! I had a Six Million Dollar Man with a bionic eye and a bit of plastic circuitry hidden under a rubbery layer of skin on his arm that I honestly believed if I tucked it up my sleeve it would make me stronger. And an Evil Knievel that would drive for at least 2 feet before careering off to the side and falling over.
No, the 70's were ok. Sure, they weren't a patch on the 80's, but not quite as depressing as the little patch of Yorkshire I've just spent the last 2 hours watching
Tomorrow I'm going to watch part 2. Two hours of light entertainment around the hunting of the Yorkshire Ripper. How can that not be a good thing?
12 March 2009
itunes is rubbish
Today I was teaching offsite, and due to mrsslippy being on an early, and me needing the car, the most sensible thing to do meant dropping her off, and going to Magog Court at 7am to catch up on some work in peace rather than come home again and fight the traffic later.
Teaching wasn't due to start until 9.30, so that meant some quality headphones in, sing-a-long time in an empty, isolated building.
But this morning, nothing seemed to please me musically. My ipod is set with multiple playlists. I have things hand picked to suit certain moods. I have rated everything in my library to make smart playlists such as 80's Gold (all 5 stars, 167 songs), 90's gold (all 5 stars, 396 songs), best of certain years, anything above 4 stars for certain years, decades etc..., or just anything 5 stars (966 songs).
You'd think if something was 5 stars that would mean it never got skipped, but skippy I was. And I don't think it's because my scoring is off, for these are all great songs. The good songs are just 4 stars. There are 3 star songs that I will listen to in the right frame of mind, or in the context of an Album. Bad songs are 2 stars, and I reserve 1 stars for audiobooks, soundclips etc.. so they never end up being played on random.
But there are some songs that never get skipped, no matter what mood I'm in. Unfortunately the ipod couldn't tell me what they were on it's own - I've had to wait to get home and have it talk to itunes to see what I play the most.
There is some debate on t'internet as how a song gets 'counted'. Some say you have to listen to it in it's entirity, others say its the last 5 seconds that matter, so in theory you can fast forward through a song, listen to the end, it it registers, but if you loved a song so much you skipback to the beginning before the last notes are played, it won't.
Being as I never do the former, and only occasionally do the latter, my play count should tell me what my favourite songs are. True, there is a large element of randomness due to the way the ipod shuffles what it wants to play you, and my predisposition for smart playlists means something will be at an unfair advantage.
But if I take this top 40, will it create me the ultimate playlist, or just a big pile of random shite that will be self perpetuating as the most played tunes.
Deep breath - here goes pop pickers, its my top 40....
40-31
40) All of my heart - ABC. Cracking start! I love this song. Just read those 80's lyrics, and remember Martin Frys gold lame suit.
39)The sun always shines on TV - a-ha. Another top tune. I was only thinking last year that it needed revisiting for a film soundtrack. Danny Boyle, you are spot on.
38)Empire - Kasabian. I honestly though this would be higher. At least it made the cut, if only just. Everybody now...la la la lahh, la la la lahhh,la la la lahhh.....
37) Standing in the way of control - The Gossip. Go girl. Beth Ditto - not too easy on the eye, but what a voice. Welcome to my top 40 Beth, now just budge over a bit and make room for.....
36)Times like these - Foo Fighters. Every chart should have some Foos. Dave Grohl is officially the nicest man in Rock, but still knows how to Roll.
35) Red Hill mining town -U2. I used to really like U2, and get a bit nostalgic about this one. Not their most pompous, and not even a single. I find it quite uplifting. It can stay.
34)Running to stand still - U2. Oh shit. More U2. Despite my protestations am I going to be revealed (or reviled) as a middle age MOR fanboy? I've also just noticed that the second last line isn't 'suffer unto me little children' - it's 'suffer the needle chill'. How odd. I prefer my version.
33)Wonderboy - Tenacious D. Pure, unadulterated, juvenile delight. "How 'bout the power to kill a yak, from 200 yards away... with mind bullets! That's telekinesis, Kyle" . Lyrically fantastic, and tuneful too, Jack Black is so much more than a gurning fool. I dare you to listen to it without singing along.
32)Crash -Primitives. Proper old school. I wonder what Tracy Tracy looks like now? She was mighty fine when I was an adolescent...
31)Lost Weekend - Lloyd Cole. More old school! I really am a child of the 80's aren't I? And yet still quite sophisticated. What will the rest of the countdown hold?
30-21
30) A new England - Kirsty MacColl. Better than Billy Braggs version (which is also 5 stars!), Kirsty is sadly missed. If you watched the video for Fairytale of New York with her and Shane McGowan in front of The Twin Towers back in the 80's and had to put a bet on which would be the only one still standing today, who'd have put money on Shane?
29)Town called Malice - The Jam. Joyous, and guaranteed to put a swagger in your step. I'm a bit dubious of Pauls hair at his age, but the modfather really knows how to lay down some lyrics.
28)Brilliant mind - Furniture. How odd for this to slip in? How avant guard. I certainly like it, but do I never skip it, or does the ipod just squirt it into my ears at every opportunity? Who knows? I wonder what didn't make the cut because of this?
27)This song - The Enemy. Yeah , they may look about 12, but this is great. Great song from a great album. It might be a more than a little derivative of Mr Wellers early stuff. I just hope they keep the under produced sound for their new album and don't go all polished and poncy.
26)Hungry like the wolf - Duran Duran. I'd have rather bathed in pus than admit to liking these nancy boys when I was at school, but ..shhhh...the singles were actually rather catchy and good. Ridiculous lyrics! I suspect (hope!) this isn't the only entry for them, just don't tell the cool kids.
25)Rock the Casbah - The Clash. Of course it's here! If it's not in your top 40, what ever are you doing? You shouldn't even own an mp3 player, as you are clearly deaf.
24)Never Never - The Assembly. Hmmm. It's ok. Ok enough for 5 stars, but as I've already established there are nearly 1000 5 star songs on my ipod, and I can think of several more that I'd rather listen to than Feargals nasally whinging.
23)Flourescent adolescent - Arctic Monkeys. Finest wordsmith of our generation. Except he's not my generation. Alex is only 23. Jammy git. Fantastic tune though, and well worthy of the top 40.
22)Step on - Happy Mondays. Shaun Ryder -Scoundrel, poet, God. Get baggy and twist your melons man. For every time I catch myself walking like Bez when I'm out in public, Madchesters finest, I salute you.
21)Stronger - 30 seconds to Mars. The Kanye West song covered as you've never heard it before, unless you already have, then go and listen to it again. The link is a YouTube jobby. Beautiful and haunting - didn't Jared Leto just use to be a shit actor?
20-11
20) With every heartbeat - Robyn. Bear with me! OK, the single is a bit dancy for my usual tastes, but this is acoustic for Radio 1's Live Lounge and it is another beautiful, haunting track. I'm a sensitive soul, OK?
19)Tribute- Tenacious D. See, sensitive....More bombastic sing-a-long from the D. Go on. Sing along, or at least do Dave Grohls devil bits while sticking your nose up like Tubbs and Edward Tattsyrup.
18)Fans - Kings of Leon. The latest album is winning awards left right and centre, but this earlier effort is a real doozy. Particularly the Live Lounge version, which is the one that made my top 20.
17) Pretty in pink - The Psychedelic Furs. One hit wonders from a shit film, but a timeless classic. Personally, I thought she was prettier, and a damn sight more interesting, in black.
16) Knights of Cydonia - Muse. Huzzah! Yet it still should be higher. Maybe it's because it's so long I can be nearly at work before the lyrics even kick in. But it's that riff that makes it just so god damn kick ass. I swear one day my head will fall off on the bus when I just have to headbang along.
15)Life on your own - Human League. What the fuck? Did I even give this 5 stars? Apparently I did (amends itunes). And yet somehow it still managed to get itself played more times than Knights of Cydonia??? I am befuddled. itunes is fucking with me.
14)Take a bow - Muse. More good stuff from Mat and the boys. I fairness, this is one album that I return to time and again and listen to in it's entirety.
13)Supermassive blackhole - Muse. Lordy there's even more of it! I should either remove them from some playlists, or stop listening to the album. They're making me look like a stalker.
12)Learn to fly - Foo Fighters. Yay for more Foos. I think I love this song because when I hear it it makes me think of Dave G dressed as a school girl. That's not how I get my kicks, it's just the video is a hoot, and it's a look that kinda suits him.
11)Heavyweight champion of the World - Reverend and the Makers. Great stuff, and highly deserving of a top 20 spot, even if John has gone a bit weird, as has his hair. The 3rd Sheffield band to hit my chart (name the other two for a bonus point!). Is it a mecca for great music, or are my northern roots just showing. There are still 10 spots to go, and so there may be room for more, with Pulp and the Thompson Twins noticeably absent. But then so are Def Leppard......
10-2
10)Martha's Harbour - All About Eve. I make no apologies for this winsome, pseudo-goth pop lullaby. I like her voice, and I stand by it's appearance.
9)Umbrella - Biffy Clyro. Another fantastic cover version from Radio One's Live Lounge. Stripped down to it's basics, it's a welcome alternative to the Rhianna version that was so inescapable for so long.
8)F.E.A.R - Ian Brown. Fantastic enigmatic artist reigns. Fabulously entertaining alliterative record. Do you see what I did there? But I'm not worthy to wipe Ian Browns arse for this clever word play over a strings and beats trip out. If the Planet of the Apes really is the future of mankind, then this ex Stone Rose is king of the monkey men.
7)Steady as she goes - The Raconteurs. Starts out reminiscent of Joe Jacksons 'Is she really going out with him', then turns into a thrashy killer track, from a stand out album of 2006, but where is the rest of it?
6)Starlight - Muse. Even more from Black Holes & Revelations. I am a sad fanboy....
5)Rio - Duran Duran. I knew there'd be more. And so high! Great song, great video, more ridiculous lyrics. The top 10 is looking pretty good so far.
4)Oblivious - Aztec Camera. Now we've gone weird. It's a catchy little tune, but surely not number 4. Something is going pear shaped.
3)Don't tell me - Blancmange. Even more from the world of wrong. Yes it's a good song, but no, it's not number 3. It's not even their best song, which for me will always be their electro synth cover of Abba's 'Day before you came'
2)L.S.F. - Kasabian. Thank god for that, we're back on track with more swagger than you can wave a shitty stick at. The dance/rock cross over with psychedelic lyrics and a shout along chorus rules supreme.
So we're nearly there. What is the track that itunes chooses to throw at me more times than anything else, and in return I say, why thank you itunes, I thank I'll have a little listen to that.
There's so much good music, so many good bands that haven't even had a mention yet.
Where are you White Stripes, Nirvana, Green Day, Jamie T? Jarvis? Where have you hidden Pulp?
You guilty pleasures of my youth - yes Wonderstuff, NEDs, Carter USM, I'm talking to you, I know you're about somewhere.
Come on you clever sensitive boys, I know I sometimes knock you, and you're terribly shy, but you can shuffle forwards Radiohead, Coldplay, Keane, Snow Patrol.
The Cure, Pixies, Gorillaz, Embrace, Blur, Blink-182, Supergrass, Ash, Oasis...Girls Aloud... I could go on...one of you must be my top played song.
So I can reveal that the proud number one spot goes to...
Slippys Number 1
Mirror Man - The Human League.
itunes has fucked me over big time. Not even their best song, which for the record would be 'Together in Electric Dreams', not 'Don't you want me.
I believe my favourite song to be Life on Mars by David Bowie. I've loved it long before the TV show of he same name raised it's public awareness again, but I wouldn't use it's popularity to wilfully snub it, but it would appear itunes would. Not only not in the Top 40, it actually comes in at a woeful 127th!!
itunes claims to have Genius software that predicts what I should be listening due to my playcounts and whats in my library. And being as it has already stitched me up with what it thinks I should listen to, what does it now think I should buy to complement this?
Albums by Bucks Fizz, The Offspring, and Northside.
Well thanks, but no thanks itunes. You can fuck off. Tomorrow, I'm just going to listen to Chris Moyles.
Teaching wasn't due to start until 9.30, so that meant some quality headphones in, sing-a-long time in an empty, isolated building.
But this morning, nothing seemed to please me musically. My ipod is set with multiple playlists. I have things hand picked to suit certain moods. I have rated everything in my library to make smart playlists such as 80's Gold (all 5 stars, 167 songs), 90's gold (all 5 stars, 396 songs), best of certain years, anything above 4 stars for certain years, decades etc..., or just anything 5 stars (966 songs).
You'd think if something was 5 stars that would mean it never got skipped, but skippy I was. And I don't think it's because my scoring is off, for these are all great songs. The good songs are just 4 stars. There are 3 star songs that I will listen to in the right frame of mind, or in the context of an Album. Bad songs are 2 stars, and I reserve 1 stars for audiobooks, soundclips etc.. so they never end up being played on random.
But there are some songs that never get skipped, no matter what mood I'm in. Unfortunately the ipod couldn't tell me what they were on it's own - I've had to wait to get home and have it talk to itunes to see what I play the most.
There is some debate on t'internet as how a song gets 'counted'. Some say you have to listen to it in it's entirity, others say its the last 5 seconds that matter, so in theory you can fast forward through a song, listen to the end, it it registers, but if you loved a song so much you skipback to the beginning before the last notes are played, it won't.
Being as I never do the former, and only occasionally do the latter, my play count should tell me what my favourite songs are. True, there is a large element of randomness due to the way the ipod shuffles what it wants to play you, and my predisposition for smart playlists means something will be at an unfair advantage.
But if I take this top 40, will it create me the ultimate playlist, or just a big pile of random shite that will be self perpetuating as the most played tunes.
Deep breath - here goes pop pickers, its my top 40....
40-31
40) All of my heart - ABC. Cracking start! I love this song. Just read those 80's lyrics, and remember Martin Frys gold lame suit.
39)The sun always shines on TV - a-ha. Another top tune. I was only thinking last year that it needed revisiting for a film soundtrack. Danny Boyle, you are spot on.
38)Empire - Kasabian. I honestly though this would be higher. At least it made the cut, if only just. Everybody now...la la la lahh, la la la lahhh,la la la lahhh.....
37) Standing in the way of control - The Gossip. Go girl. Beth Ditto - not too easy on the eye, but what a voice. Welcome to my top 40 Beth, now just budge over a bit and make room for.....
36)Times like these - Foo Fighters. Every chart should have some Foos. Dave Grohl is officially the nicest man in Rock, but still knows how to Roll.
35) Red Hill mining town -U2. I used to really like U2, and get a bit nostalgic about this one. Not their most pompous, and not even a single. I find it quite uplifting. It can stay.
34)Running to stand still - U2. Oh shit. More U2. Despite my protestations am I going to be revealed (or reviled) as a middle age MOR fanboy? I've also just noticed that the second last line isn't 'suffer unto me little children' - it's 'suffer the needle chill'. How odd. I prefer my version.
33)Wonderboy - Tenacious D. Pure, unadulterated, juvenile delight. "How 'bout the power to kill a yak, from 200 yards away... with mind bullets! That's telekinesis, Kyle" . Lyrically fantastic, and tuneful too, Jack Black is so much more than a gurning fool. I dare you to listen to it without singing along.
32)Crash -Primitives. Proper old school. I wonder what Tracy Tracy looks like now? She was mighty fine when I was an adolescent...
31)Lost Weekend - Lloyd Cole. More old school! I really am a child of the 80's aren't I? And yet still quite sophisticated. What will the rest of the countdown hold?
30-21
30) A new England - Kirsty MacColl. Better than Billy Braggs version (which is also 5 stars!), Kirsty is sadly missed. If you watched the video for Fairytale of New York with her and Shane McGowan in front of The Twin Towers back in the 80's and had to put a bet on which would be the only one still standing today, who'd have put money on Shane?
29)Town called Malice - The Jam. Joyous, and guaranteed to put a swagger in your step. I'm a bit dubious of Pauls hair at his age, but the modfather really knows how to lay down some lyrics.
28)Brilliant mind - Furniture. How odd for this to slip in? How avant guard. I certainly like it, but do I never skip it, or does the ipod just squirt it into my ears at every opportunity? Who knows? I wonder what didn't make the cut because of this?
27)This song - The Enemy. Yeah , they may look about 12, but this is great. Great song from a great album. It might be a more than a little derivative of Mr Wellers early stuff. I just hope they keep the under produced sound for their new album and don't go all polished and poncy.
26)Hungry like the wolf - Duran Duran. I'd have rather bathed in pus than admit to liking these nancy boys when I was at school, but ..shhhh...the singles were actually rather catchy and good. Ridiculous lyrics! I suspect (hope!) this isn't the only entry for them, just don't tell the cool kids.
25)Rock the Casbah - The Clash. Of course it's here! If it's not in your top 40, what ever are you doing? You shouldn't even own an mp3 player, as you are clearly deaf.
24)Never Never - The Assembly. Hmmm. It's ok. Ok enough for 5 stars, but as I've already established there are nearly 1000 5 star songs on my ipod, and I can think of several more that I'd rather listen to than Feargals nasally whinging.
23)Flourescent adolescent - Arctic Monkeys. Finest wordsmith of our generation. Except he's not my generation. Alex is only 23. Jammy git. Fantastic tune though, and well worthy of the top 40.
22)Step on - Happy Mondays. Shaun Ryder -Scoundrel, poet, God. Get baggy and twist your melons man. For every time I catch myself walking like Bez when I'm out in public, Madchesters finest, I salute you.
21)Stronger - 30 seconds to Mars. The Kanye West song covered as you've never heard it before, unless you already have, then go and listen to it again. The link is a YouTube jobby. Beautiful and haunting - didn't Jared Leto just use to be a shit actor?
20-11
20) With every heartbeat - Robyn. Bear with me! OK, the single is a bit dancy for my usual tastes, but this is acoustic for Radio 1's Live Lounge and it is another beautiful, haunting track. I'm a sensitive soul, OK?
19)Tribute- Tenacious D. See, sensitive....More bombastic sing-a-long from the D. Go on. Sing along, or at least do Dave Grohls devil bits while sticking your nose up like Tubbs and Edward Tattsyrup.
18)Fans - Kings of Leon. The latest album is winning awards left right and centre, but this earlier effort is a real doozy. Particularly the Live Lounge version, which is the one that made my top 20.
17) Pretty in pink - The Psychedelic Furs. One hit wonders from a shit film, but a timeless classic. Personally, I thought she was prettier, and a damn sight more interesting, in black.
16) Knights of Cydonia - Muse. Huzzah! Yet it still should be higher. Maybe it's because it's so long I can be nearly at work before the lyrics even kick in. But it's that riff that makes it just so god damn kick ass. I swear one day my head will fall off on the bus when I just have to headbang along.
15)Life on your own - Human League. What the fuck? Did I even give this 5 stars? Apparently I did (amends itunes). And yet somehow it still managed to get itself played more times than Knights of Cydonia??? I am befuddled. itunes is fucking with me.
14)Take a bow - Muse. More good stuff from Mat and the boys. I fairness, this is one album that I return to time and again and listen to in it's entirety.
13)Supermassive blackhole - Muse. Lordy there's even more of it! I should either remove them from some playlists, or stop listening to the album. They're making me look like a stalker.
12)Learn to fly - Foo Fighters. Yay for more Foos. I think I love this song because when I hear it it makes me think of Dave G dressed as a school girl. That's not how I get my kicks, it's just the video is a hoot, and it's a look that kinda suits him.
11)Heavyweight champion of the World - Reverend and the Makers. Great stuff, and highly deserving of a top 20 spot, even if John has gone a bit weird, as has his hair. The 3rd Sheffield band to hit my chart (name the other two for a bonus point!). Is it a mecca for great music, or are my northern roots just showing. There are still 10 spots to go, and so there may be room for more, with Pulp and the Thompson Twins noticeably absent. But then so are Def Leppard......
10-2
10)Martha's Harbour - All About Eve. I make no apologies for this winsome, pseudo-goth pop lullaby. I like her voice, and I stand by it's appearance.
9)Umbrella - Biffy Clyro. Another fantastic cover version from Radio One's Live Lounge. Stripped down to it's basics, it's a welcome alternative to the Rhianna version that was so inescapable for so long.
8)F.E.A.R - Ian Brown. Fantastic enigmatic artist reigns. Fabulously entertaining alliterative record. Do you see what I did there? But I'm not worthy to wipe Ian Browns arse for this clever word play over a strings and beats trip out. If the Planet of the Apes really is the future of mankind, then this ex Stone Rose is king of the monkey men.
7)Steady as she goes - The Raconteurs. Starts out reminiscent of Joe Jacksons 'Is she really going out with him', then turns into a thrashy killer track, from a stand out album of 2006, but where is the rest of it?
6)Starlight - Muse. Even more from Black Holes & Revelations. I am a sad fanboy....
5)Rio - Duran Duran. I knew there'd be more. And so high! Great song, great video, more ridiculous lyrics. The top 10 is looking pretty good so far.
4)Oblivious - Aztec Camera. Now we've gone weird. It's a catchy little tune, but surely not number 4. Something is going pear shaped.
3)Don't tell me - Blancmange. Even more from the world of wrong. Yes it's a good song, but no, it's not number 3. It's not even their best song, which for me will always be their electro synth cover of Abba's 'Day before you came'
2)L.S.F. - Kasabian. Thank god for that, we're back on track with more swagger than you can wave a shitty stick at. The dance/rock cross over with psychedelic lyrics and a shout along chorus rules supreme.
So we're nearly there. What is the track that itunes chooses to throw at me more times than anything else, and in return I say, why thank you itunes, I thank I'll have a little listen to that.
There's so much good music, so many good bands that haven't even had a mention yet.
Where are you White Stripes, Nirvana, Green Day, Jamie T? Jarvis? Where have you hidden Pulp?
You guilty pleasures of my youth - yes Wonderstuff, NEDs, Carter USM, I'm talking to you, I know you're about somewhere.
Come on you clever sensitive boys, I know I sometimes knock you, and you're terribly shy, but you can shuffle forwards Radiohead, Coldplay, Keane, Snow Patrol.
The Cure, Pixies, Gorillaz, Embrace, Blur, Blink-182, Supergrass, Ash, Oasis...Girls Aloud... I could go on...one of you must be my top played song.
So I can reveal that the proud number one spot goes to...
Slippys Number 1
Mirror Man - The Human League.
itunes has fucked me over big time. Not even their best song, which for the record would be 'Together in Electric Dreams', not 'Don't you want me.
I believe my favourite song to be Life on Mars by David Bowie. I've loved it long before the TV show of he same name raised it's public awareness again, but I wouldn't use it's popularity to wilfully snub it, but it would appear itunes would. Not only not in the Top 40, it actually comes in at a woeful 127th!!
itunes claims to have Genius software that predicts what I should be listening due to my playcounts and whats in my library. And being as it has already stitched me up with what it thinks I should listen to, what does it now think I should buy to complement this?
Albums by Bucks Fizz, The Offspring, and Northside.
Well thanks, but no thanks itunes. You can fuck off. Tomorrow, I'm just going to listen to Chris Moyles.
07 March 2009
Crisp Wars Part II
Following my crisp extravaganza on Thursday night, my challenge for today has been to procure the missing three flavours from the Walkers 'Do us a Flavour' challenge.
I've already done Builders Breakfast (eggy), Chili & Chocolate (wrong), and Onion Bhaji (rather good). As they were the only three bags in the pub, I stopped there. A trip to Tesco has relieved that they come in multi packs, so I could get the other three in one fell swoop, so sweep and swoop I did.
As mrsslippy hadn't tried the first three flavours, it seemed only right and scientific to buy a multi-bag of them too, so we now have twelve bags of six different flavours, three of which I've tried already, but all new to mrsslippy, so I suspect they're all gonna get opened.
New ones first....
Fish & Chips
I think they do smell distinctly fishy. The bag smells of a chip shop, but to me they taste too damned fishy. It hits you at the back of the throat -if anything it's more like crab meat - but not fresh white meat, the mucky brown stuff that's been sat too long on a ready made sandwich selection in a seedy Cromer pub. Mrsslippy likes them - she used to like the 'Fish & Chip' snacks you could get in the tuck shop 'back in the day' (now they were good). But not for me - the rest of the bag, and the other full one are hers - to the victor the spoils, and spoilt they are.
Crispy Duck & Hoisin
The bag smell like when they bring out the crispy duck course at a Chinese restaurant, so that's a good start. And they're crispy - funny that, being crisps. The taste is definitely more hoisin than duck, but it's still a very pleasant taste. I think I'd prefer them if they were more ducky, and came with a sachet of hoisin sauce to dunk them in.
Like Salt 'n' Shake, only Duck 'n' Dunk. How many other crisps would benefit a little sachet of flavoury goodness in them. Those awful Fish & Chip would have been better with a sachet of Tommy Sauce, as would the Builders Breakfast. I'd buy them, maybe I should get on the blower to Walkers, they're missing a trick here..
Anywho, I like them, as does mrsslippy, but she prefers the Fish & Chips. I feel a stewards enquiry coming on.
Finally, Cajun Squirrel
I've never eaten squirrel, Cajun or otherwise, so I don't really know what to expect here. The bag smells like Walkers Roast Chicken, which as by the general rule of meat flavour potato products, taste fuck all like chicken.
So what do they taste like? Well, certainly not chicken...Probably the closest thing that I would imagine comparing them too, and something that I know may taste of squirrel, as it has been known to eat them.
Cajun Squirrel crisps probably taste like the gusset of one of Beth Ditto's spandex leotards, and give the option, I think I know which I would rather consume. They're fucking rank. If these things win and go into mass production I'm giving up crisps for ever. Mrsslippy can't stand them either - they are eliminated! Even Busta won't try one, and he'll nick the beans from a Chili con Carne, and the jalapenos from a Hot 'n' Spicy pizza.
So one definitely out, but a split decision over the qualifier for the final.
However, I've just asked mrsslippy if she doesn't find the Fish & Chip ones a bit 'crabby'. The face has curled up, she's had another to confirm my suggestion AND THEY'RE OUT! FISH AND CHIPS HAVE THROWN IN THE TOWEL!!
So it looks like we're all set for an Onion Bhaji vs Crispy Duck & Hoisin final, but not tonight - we're crisped out, and I can't face the Builders Breakfast again today - I was belching egg and smokey baken all evening on Thursday, and I'm not ready for that again yet.
So the final comes another day.
But will it be a final of Kings, or is this just the F.A Trophy of the crisp world? Certainly, the official winners will join the echelons of Walkers flavours, who were once the top dogs in the crisp world, but can they say they still are? They even have their own breakaway Premiership for their Sensations range, so can new flavours ever be Champions League quality?
How would they fare against the rest of the crisp world.
We have Pringles. Strictly Bundesleague. Uniform, predictable, dependable, but ultimately synthetic and unsatisfying.
Kettle Chips. Serie A. Exotic, overpriced, suspicions of style over substance, and once opened, you don't actually get that much for your money.
Mccoys. Scottish Premier. Stodgy, reckon they're really good, but only have 2 decent teams.
Seabrookes. La Liga. Always a pleasure, but ignored as not a threat. If left unchecked have notions of world domination.
They're going to be a very little fish in a big pond full of potatoes
Whoever wins this (clever) bit of marketing will have their 15 minutes of fame,but they'll never be a Champion, let alone a World beater. I suspect that along with all novelty gimmicks brewed up in a test tube, the world will recognise it for the abomination on nature that it is, and they will disappear back into obscurity.
Anyone remember Hedgehog flavour crisps?
I've already done Builders Breakfast (eggy), Chili & Chocolate (wrong), and Onion Bhaji (rather good). As they were the only three bags in the pub, I stopped there. A trip to Tesco has relieved that they come in multi packs, so I could get the other three in one fell swoop, so sweep and swoop I did.
As mrsslippy hadn't tried the first three flavours, it seemed only right and scientific to buy a multi-bag of them too, so we now have twelve bags of six different flavours, three of which I've tried already, but all new to mrsslippy, so I suspect they're all gonna get opened.
New ones first....
Fish & Chips
I think they do smell distinctly fishy. The bag smells of a chip shop, but to me they taste too damned fishy. It hits you at the back of the throat -if anything it's more like crab meat - but not fresh white meat, the mucky brown stuff that's been sat too long on a ready made sandwich selection in a seedy Cromer pub. Mrsslippy likes them - she used to like the 'Fish & Chip' snacks you could get in the tuck shop 'back in the day' (now they were good). But not for me - the rest of the bag, and the other full one are hers - to the victor the spoils, and spoilt they are.
Crispy Duck & Hoisin
The bag smell like when they bring out the crispy duck course at a Chinese restaurant, so that's a good start. And they're crispy - funny that, being crisps. The taste is definitely more hoisin than duck, but it's still a very pleasant taste. I think I'd prefer them if they were more ducky, and came with a sachet of hoisin sauce to dunk them in.
Like Salt 'n' Shake, only Duck 'n' Dunk. How many other crisps would benefit a little sachet of flavoury goodness in them. Those awful Fish & Chip would have been better with a sachet of Tommy Sauce, as would the Builders Breakfast. I'd buy them, maybe I should get on the blower to Walkers, they're missing a trick here..
Anywho, I like them, as does mrsslippy, but she prefers the Fish & Chips. I feel a stewards enquiry coming on.
Finally, Cajun Squirrel
I've never eaten squirrel, Cajun or otherwise, so I don't really know what to expect here. The bag smells like Walkers Roast Chicken, which as by the general rule of meat flavour potato products, taste fuck all like chicken.
So what do they taste like? Well, certainly not chicken...Probably the closest thing that I would imagine comparing them too, and something that I know may taste of squirrel, as it has been known to eat them.
Cajun Squirrel crisps probably taste like the gusset of one of Beth Ditto's spandex leotards, and give the option, I think I know which I would rather consume. They're fucking rank. If these things win and go into mass production I'm giving up crisps for ever. Mrsslippy can't stand them either - they are eliminated! Even Busta won't try one, and he'll nick the beans from a Chili con Carne, and the jalapenos from a Hot 'n' Spicy pizza.
So one definitely out, but a split decision over the qualifier for the final.
However, I've just asked mrsslippy if she doesn't find the Fish & Chip ones a bit 'crabby'. The face has curled up, she's had another to confirm my suggestion AND THEY'RE OUT! FISH AND CHIPS HAVE THROWN IN THE TOWEL!!
So it looks like we're all set for an Onion Bhaji vs Crispy Duck & Hoisin final, but not tonight - we're crisped out, and I can't face the Builders Breakfast again today - I was belching egg and smokey baken all evening on Thursday, and I'm not ready for that again yet.
So the final comes another day.
But will it be a final of Kings, or is this just the F.A Trophy of the crisp world? Certainly, the official winners will join the echelons of Walkers flavours, who were once the top dogs in the crisp world, but can they say they still are? They even have their own breakaway Premiership for their Sensations range, so can new flavours ever be Champions League quality?
How would they fare against the rest of the crisp world.
We have Pringles. Strictly Bundesleague. Uniform, predictable, dependable, but ultimately synthetic and unsatisfying.
Kettle Chips. Serie A. Exotic, overpriced, suspicions of style over substance, and once opened, you don't actually get that much for your money.
Mccoys. Scottish Premier. Stodgy, reckon they're really good, but only have 2 decent teams.
Seabrookes. La Liga. Always a pleasure, but ignored as not a threat. If left unchecked have notions of world domination.
They're going to be a very little fish in a big pond full of potatoes
Whoever wins this (clever) bit of marketing will have their 15 minutes of fame,but they'll never be a Champion, let alone a World beater. I suspect that along with all novelty gimmicks brewed up in a test tube, the world will recognise it for the abomination on nature that it is, and they will disappear back into obscurity.
Anyone remember Hedgehog flavour crisps?
05 March 2009
I still love crisps
Despite my protestations yesterday about feeling fat, I did very little to relieve the predicament to day by stumbling into the pub on the way home. A couple of pints should have done very little damage, particularly if my theory about beer being calorie neutral.
No, my downfall came, as it so often does, through the magic of crisps.
As I've mentioned before, I love crisps, as only an Englishman can. The Americans call them chips (wrong! chips come with fish you fuckwits!), and the rest of Europe (as in us and them, not as in America is part of Europe), call them variations on that too. Google 'crisps' and the top hit is this
Did you follow the link? Yes, it's sad but true, but as far as the rest of the world is concerned, when you look for crisps, all you get is potato chips. You ask for them anywhere, and what you get is a bag of ready salted crisps.
But if you ask for ready salted crisps in England, what you get is plain crisps.
Plain.
Plain as in dull and ordinary. Because in the UK, oh lordy, we have fancy crisps. From the traditional Cheese and Onions, and Salt and Vinegars, we have all sorts of gourmet flavours, like Sweet Chilli, Salsa and Mesquite, Pickled onion.... the list goes on.
Our proud nations love of crisps, and exotic flavourings has led to Walkers launching six new flavours, proposed by the general public, with the most popular becoming a permanent flavour. And tonight, I saw my first selection of said bags, and in the interest of science decided it was probably a good idea to sample them for the rest of mankind.
The Robin Hood only stocked three of the six, so my plan was to have a bag there, and bring a couple home to test with mrs slippy.
First up, Builders Breakfast;
This was an easy first option, as Bill and I often talk food, and have several plans up out sleeves for creating wonderful gastronomic variations on the 'full English', which I shall not discuss here until I have patented the - but trust me, they will be fucking lush.
However, back to the crisps. The bag has a picture of a plate of Sausage, Bacon, Tomato, Egg, and Tomato Sauce on the front, yet the back claims it tastes of Bacon, Egg, Toast and Butter and Tomato Sauce. Where's the fucking sausage? Don't wave a sausage at me only to pull it back once I'm salivating! Opening the bag produces an aroma of Tomato Sauce crisps. Not tomato sauce. Tomato Sauce crisps (remember the old Wheat Crunchies? That smell).
They initially taste of Smokey Bacon Crisps. Again, not bacon. Not even smokey bacon, but Smokey Bacon crisps, which as any connoisseur will tell you, taste fuck all like actual bacon. Then the egg hits you. An acrid sulphurous taste at the back of the throat that tastes like someone has farted in it. And not just any someone, a builder who lives off Smokey Bacon crisps.
I ate them all, in the pursuit of knowledge, but suffice to say - not a good thing, and where the hell was the buttered toast in all of that?
As said, I was planning on getting the other two bags to take home, but Bill scuppered that by buying them and laying them open in my face. What could I do? So next up is...
Chocolate and Chili
We're led to believe that this is a 'good thing' as Mexican do it.. But does it belong in a bag of potato based beer accompaniments?
No.
The bag smells vaguely of cheap chocolate, and that's the taste that you get when stick one in your mouth. Then an aftertaste of Tabasco sauce. There's no sweet zing, it just tastes weird. Take a crisp, dunk it in the cheapest hot chocolate drink you can find, wave a bottle of chili sauce near it, but not close enough for it to actually pick up any flavour, then eat it.
Then stop.
I couldn't be arsed to eat more than a few, and I love crisps. This cannot bode well...
Next Onion Bahji
The bag smells of onion bahjis, and nice ones at that. They taste like onion bahjis. Not cheese and onion (which again, tastes neither of cheese nor onion), or pickled onion, or some cheap curry imitation. These really do taste of onion bahjis. I think I'm in love. Or at the very least have food based crush.
Of the first three competitors, we have a very clear front runner,but still on the horizon, or hopefully Tescos, we still have;
Fish & Chips
Cajun Squirrel
Crispy Duck & Hoisin
My hopes are high for all three, and once I have procured them, I shall spread my recommendations, and organise that must be the most eagerly anticipated final of this year. We already have Onion Bahji as a deserved semi-finalist, but who will they play????????
I can't wait to find out.
No, my downfall came, as it so often does, through the magic of crisps.
As I've mentioned before, I love crisps, as only an Englishman can. The Americans call them chips (wrong! chips come with fish you fuckwits!), and the rest of Europe (as in us and them, not as in America is part of Europe), call them variations on that too. Google 'crisps' and the top hit is this
Did you follow the link? Yes, it's sad but true, but as far as the rest of the world is concerned, when you look for crisps, all you get is potato chips. You ask for them anywhere, and what you get is a bag of ready salted crisps.
But if you ask for ready salted crisps in England, what you get is plain crisps.
Plain.
Plain as in dull and ordinary. Because in the UK, oh lordy, we have fancy crisps. From the traditional Cheese and Onions, and Salt and Vinegars, we have all sorts of gourmet flavours, like Sweet Chilli, Salsa and Mesquite, Pickled onion.... the list goes on.
Our proud nations love of crisps, and exotic flavourings has led to Walkers launching six new flavours, proposed by the general public, with the most popular becoming a permanent flavour. And tonight, I saw my first selection of said bags, and in the interest of science decided it was probably a good idea to sample them for the rest of mankind.
The Robin Hood only stocked three of the six, so my plan was to have a bag there, and bring a couple home to test with mrs slippy.
First up, Builders Breakfast;
This was an easy first option, as Bill and I often talk food, and have several plans up out sleeves for creating wonderful gastronomic variations on the 'full English', which I shall not discuss here until I have patented the - but trust me, they will be fucking lush.
However, back to the crisps. The bag has a picture of a plate of Sausage, Bacon, Tomato, Egg, and Tomato Sauce on the front, yet the back claims it tastes of Bacon, Egg, Toast and Butter and Tomato Sauce. Where's the fucking sausage? Don't wave a sausage at me only to pull it back once I'm salivating! Opening the bag produces an aroma of Tomato Sauce crisps. Not tomato sauce. Tomato Sauce crisps (remember the old Wheat Crunchies? That smell).
They initially taste of Smokey Bacon Crisps. Again, not bacon. Not even smokey bacon, but Smokey Bacon crisps, which as any connoisseur will tell you, taste fuck all like actual bacon. Then the egg hits you. An acrid sulphurous taste at the back of the throat that tastes like someone has farted in it. And not just any someone, a builder who lives off Smokey Bacon crisps.
I ate them all, in the pursuit of knowledge, but suffice to say - not a good thing, and where the hell was the buttered toast in all of that?
As said, I was planning on getting the other two bags to take home, but Bill scuppered that by buying them and laying them open in my face. What could I do? So next up is...
Chocolate and Chili
We're led to believe that this is a 'good thing' as Mexican do it.. But does it belong in a bag of potato based beer accompaniments?
No.
The bag smells vaguely of cheap chocolate, and that's the taste that you get when stick one in your mouth. Then an aftertaste of Tabasco sauce. There's no sweet zing, it just tastes weird. Take a crisp, dunk it in the cheapest hot chocolate drink you can find, wave a bottle of chili sauce near it, but not close enough for it to actually pick up any flavour, then eat it.
Then stop.
I couldn't be arsed to eat more than a few, and I love crisps. This cannot bode well...
Next Onion Bahji
The bag smells of onion bahjis, and nice ones at that. They taste like onion bahjis. Not cheese and onion (which again, tastes neither of cheese nor onion), or pickled onion, or some cheap curry imitation. These really do taste of onion bahjis. I think I'm in love. Or at the very least have food based crush.
Of the first three competitors, we have a very clear front runner,but still on the horizon, or hopefully Tescos, we still have;
Fish & Chips
Cajun Squirrel
Crispy Duck & Hoisin
My hopes are high for all three, and once I have procured them, I shall spread my recommendations, and organise that must be the most eagerly anticipated final of this year. We already have Onion Bahji as a deserved semi-finalist, but who will they play????????
I can't wait to find out.
01 March 2009
You too?
You may have noticed that U2 (the biggest band on the planet!), have got a new album out. I was a big fan in my teens, and keep on buying the albums as they keep churning them out, but can't say I've really enjoyed one in years.
I'm less that comfortable with Bono's messiah complex, and hypocrisy when it comes to hiding his earnings in tax free havens when he should be paying tax on it, which would help his country men, for whom he is so proud.
Also, Edge come clean. You're as bald as a coot, and we don't care, so take that fucking beanie off, you're 47 (thank you Wikipedia) for fucks sake!
So again, another album, and again I've bought it, and to help you decide if you should help fill Bono's off shore bank account, here's a review. I've not read any other reviews yet, so my opinions might differ enormously from popular consensus, but lets not forget, it's popular consensus that's going to put The Saturdays at the top of the singles chart for their monstrous culling of Depeche Modes 'Just can't get enough'....
1) No Line On The Horizon
Bono starts as if he's straining for a shit. No change there then. Was it co-written by Bernie Taupin? I'm only as-k-ing as B-o-no seems to be dropping extra syllables in to Ho-ri-i-zon. Maybe Mark E Smith in a more MOR stadium rock mood.
A steady and predictable opener.
2) Magnificent
This is the biggest seller on iTunes (of course I bought it legally you doubters!), so it had better be...
The first few drum beats make me want to shout 'Wild Boys' (the Duran Duran song, not an early appraisal of the quality of the song). The guitar and an 80's synth kick in, and we may be in for something different, but then comes Larrys drumming that says 'Pride', which seems to be such a good idea, that the Hedge joins in as well. We've been here before...
OK, the vocals steer you back away from Pride, but every time Bono sings 'magnificent' I get the urge to sing 'invincible' but haven't worked out why yet. There's something faintly reminiscent of Andreas Johnsons 'Glorious'. It's probably the bland stadium rock feel...
Magnificent it is not, more tolerable or harmless. Next single no doubt, and will probably creep into every ones conscious easily enough.
3) Moment Of Surrender
Good God this ones 7:24 in length. Is it justified?
Moment of surrender = how long it will take to give up on it and skip to the next track which is...
4) Unknown Caller
Dull. Simply dull. A few monotone shouty bits that hark back to REMs 'It's the end of the World as we know it (and I feel fine)', but without the energy or inspiration. We're treated to a 90 second 'outro' from The Hedge which is probably meant to sound all whirly and majestic, but just comes across as self satisfied wank. This one won't be going on any of my playlists anytime soon.
5) I'll Go Crazy If I Don't Go Crazy Tonight
Ok, I'm already bothered by the title. Are Bono and the boys going to show us just how ker-azy they really are, or is it going to be all pent up angst and frustration?
More jangly guitars from The Hedge then,
Oh yeah, and the songs a bit shit.
6) Get On Your Boots
You just might have already heard this one as the BBC have used your licence money to plug the single, band, and album at every opportunity. It is as catchy as hell.
You'll have already made up your minds, so all I'll say is more early REM vs Queens of the Stone Age, which is a good thing, but that's why the other bands did it first.
7) Stand Up Comedy
Go on Bono, make me laugh...
Opening reminds me of 'Love is the Law', but only until Bono starts singing. It's not an altogether bad thing. I quite like it (apart from the ubiquitous whooo-whooing and swirly guitar bits, which I could take or leave, but mostly leave). In fact the best bit of the song was a random sample of a cheer, which I thought was a bit unpredictable for them, but just turned out to be an add on from Firefox alerting me to the fact that Aston Villa had just scored, so you won't hear it.
I recommend installing 'Footie fox', and listening to it on headphones through iTunes on a Saturday afternoon. Lots of cheering.
8) Fez - Being Born
What on earth can this be about. I biopic of Tommy Cooper in 5:17?
No..
Sweet buggery bollocks what kind of nonsense if this? A really badly edited together selection of samples from the album. It is utter, utter shite.
If Tommy Cooper had tried his hand at mixing, then this would be the result, but sadly not in a so bad it's funny kind of way. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
9) White as Snow
I'm losing the will to live now. Utter dirge. Derivative, predictable excrement. I've skipped through it to make sure I'm not missing a trick somewhere, but it would appear not. I refuse to listen to the whole track, I'm going straight on to...
10) Breathe
I'm liking the intro so far - I think they did this on Jonathon Ross.... Yes.. they did...
The bits where Bono does 'street poetry' are different, and quite enjoyable. We've almost gone full circle and are back to Mark E Smith. Surely Bono hasn't been listening to The Fall after all?
Best one on the album for me.
11) Cedars Of Lebanon
I think I can guess where this is going to go...
Yep, I'm right. More meaningful, and yet still incomprehensible dirge. Random rhyming couplets that might be insight into the futility of life, or the suffering of man. I really can't tell if they're taking the piss and this is supposed to somehow ironic, but I'm afraid it could be for real.
I mean, are they serious? When are they ever not....
And that in a nutshell is U2, and this albums problem. They still take themselves far too fucking seriously. There's nothing that new or exciting, it's mostly just recycling the same old sounds. You can say that it's got The Hedges 'distinctive sound' but isn't that just another way of saying' still pumping out the same bilge'.The lyrics are probably supposed to be profound, but they're profoundly shit.
Completely out of touch with reality, and 'the common man', it'll still no doubt sell millions. You'll buy it, your Dad'll buy it. The singles will get airplay and you'll hum along, because half of the album is just that: an easy listening, formulaic hum along that ticks all the right boxes, but there is no denying that far to much of the album is dire. Really, really REALLY bad. Inexcusably bad.
I mean it.
If you can live with that, then go buy it, go see them on their stadium tour and pay £80 for a ticket, and £30 for an official t-shirt, but don't say I didn't warn you....
Bonus Track
You still here?
That's all the tunes, but in the spirit of completeness, I purchased the deluxe edition, that includes a 58 minute film. It appears to be one long art film set to the albums music. There can be no plot to speak of, and there is no way on earth I am going to sit through this after having just sat through the album once, but through the magic of 'fast forward', I will try to piece together some type of narrative...
0:22 We are in Paris (I can see the Eiffel tower), and hear U2
1:25 We are still in Paris but it is night (I can still see the Eiffel Tower, the camera hasn't moved)
4:22 There are lots of shops and roads in night time Paris, but no people yet.
6:12 There's a policeman on a stationary motorbike!
6:26 He's got off his bike and kicked it over. He's having a fag. U2 play in the background
7:18 He's set fire to the bike. If this is the way French police behave it's no wonder the rest of the country enjoy a good riot.
10:44 He's got his own motorbike. I bet he doesn't set fire to that.
18:03 He's driven for nearly 8 minutes to get out of Paris so he can lie on his back in the countryside and look at the clouds.
19:16 One of the clouds looks like Africa. U2 are still on the radio.
26:16 More riding....oh look, a house!
27:18 No it's not, it's a bar of some description, and the waitress is fit!
27:48 It does food! Salad please, but just water, I'm riding on spiritual discovery.
32:09 Waitress puts the TV in the corner on
32:19 Oh shit, the receptions really bad, and U2 are on...
37:00 I'll be off then..
40:47 Another bar! This one must be better, there's a neon cocktail glass sign.
41:50 There's a fit women dancing inside! She is dancing to U2 :(
42:06 She flashes an arse cheek to reveal the number 6. Track 6 is playing. Is this subliminal? I'm already listening to it with you, you silly bint.
43:06 There is a women dancing on stage wearing a fake moustache ( I assume it's not real anyway). Kinky boots indeed!
43:54 She has been joined on stage by a dozen other hotties with moustaches. This is not working for me on any level.
48:26 He's left to wander the back streets. Don't blame you mate. Those women were odd.
52:24 I think I'll sleep on the beach...
52:47 Oh shit, I've woken up on a beach!
54:14 Oh look, someones left a row boat
54:30 I'll nick it and row out to sea and my destiny....
END
Moral of the storey. Paris is a shit place to work as a policeman, but no matter where you go in France you can never escape fit but strange women, and the sound of U2. The only possible escape the hype of the albums release is to row out to sea.
I'm less that comfortable with Bono's messiah complex, and hypocrisy when it comes to hiding his earnings in tax free havens when he should be paying tax on it, which would help his country men, for whom he is so proud.
Also, Edge come clean. You're as bald as a coot, and we don't care, so take that fucking beanie off, you're 47 (thank you Wikipedia) for fucks sake!
So again, another album, and again I've bought it, and to help you decide if you should help fill Bono's off shore bank account, here's a review. I've not read any other reviews yet, so my opinions might differ enormously from popular consensus, but lets not forget, it's popular consensus that's going to put The Saturdays at the top of the singles chart for their monstrous culling of Depeche Modes 'Just can't get enough'....
1) No Line On The Horizon
Bono starts as if he's straining for a shit. No change there then. Was it co-written by Bernie Taupin? I'm only as-k-ing as B-o-no seems to be dropping extra syllables in to Ho-ri-i-zon. Maybe Mark E Smith in a more MOR stadium rock mood.
A steady and predictable opener.
2) Magnificent
This is the biggest seller on iTunes (of course I bought it legally you doubters!), so it had better be...
The first few drum beats make me want to shout 'Wild Boys' (the Duran Duran song, not an early appraisal of the quality of the song). The guitar and an 80's synth kick in, and we may be in for something different, but then comes Larrys drumming that says 'Pride', which seems to be such a good idea, that the Hedge joins in as well. We've been here before...
OK, the vocals steer you back away from Pride, but every time Bono sings 'magnificent' I get the urge to sing 'invincible' but haven't worked out why yet. There's something faintly reminiscent of Andreas Johnsons 'Glorious'. It's probably the bland stadium rock feel...
Magnificent it is not, more tolerable or harmless. Next single no doubt, and will probably creep into every ones conscious easily enough.
3) Moment Of Surrender
Good God this ones 7:24 in length. Is it justified?
'..the stones were semi precious, we were semi conscious..'Well I certainly was. It starts slow, and again, very familiar. 'Far away, so close' I think. But they could all just be merging into one. The chorus doesn't fit with the rest of the song, and the whole thing just feels like dirge, and oh sweet fuck there's still another minute and a half to go.... I surrender!
Moment of surrender = how long it will take to give up on it and skip to the next track which is...
4) Unknown Caller
Dull. Simply dull. A few monotone shouty bits that hark back to REMs 'It's the end of the World as we know it (and I feel fine)', but without the energy or inspiration. We're treated to a 90 second 'outro' from The Hedge which is probably meant to sound all whirly and majestic, but just comes across as self satisfied wank. This one won't be going on any of my playlists anytime soon.
5) I'll Go Crazy If I Don't Go Crazy Tonight
Ok, I'm already bothered by the title. Are Bono and the boys going to show us just how ker-azy they really are, or is it going to be all pent up angst and frustration?
More jangly guitars from The Hedge then,
'...she's a rainbow and loves the peaceful life, knows I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight...'with the last line all falsetto and bonkers. They really are mad! I suspect that any minute Bono might put his champagne glass down on that wooden coffee table without even using a coaster, and look at Adam eating chocolate hob nobs in bed without a plate - he's gonna get crumbs everywhere and he's already cleaned his teeth. Sheer lunacy.
Oh yeah, and the songs a bit shit.
6) Get On Your Boots
You just might have already heard this one as the BBC have used your licence money to plug the single, band, and album at every opportunity. It is as catchy as hell.
You'll have already made up your minds, so all I'll say is more early REM vs Queens of the Stone Age, which is a good thing, but that's why the other bands did it first.
7) Stand Up Comedy
Go on Bono, make me laugh...
Opening reminds me of 'Love is the Law', but only until Bono starts singing. It's not an altogether bad thing. I quite like it (apart from the ubiquitous whooo-whooing and swirly guitar bits, which I could take or leave, but mostly leave). In fact the best bit of the song was a random sample of a cheer, which I thought was a bit unpredictable for them, but just turned out to be an add on from Firefox alerting me to the fact that Aston Villa had just scored, so you won't hear it.
I recommend installing 'Footie fox', and listening to it on headphones through iTunes on a Saturday afternoon. Lots of cheering.
8) Fez - Being Born
What on earth can this be about. I biopic of Tommy Cooper in 5:17?
No..
Sweet buggery bollocks what kind of nonsense if this? A really badly edited together selection of samples from the album. It is utter, utter shite.
If Tommy Cooper had tried his hand at mixing, then this would be the result, but sadly not in a so bad it's funny kind of way. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
9) White as Snow
I'm losing the will to live now. Utter dirge. Derivative, predictable excrement. I've skipped through it to make sure I'm not missing a trick somewhere, but it would appear not. I refuse to listen to the whole track, I'm going straight on to...
10) Breathe
I'm liking the intro so far - I think they did this on Jonathon Ross.... Yes.. they did...
The bits where Bono does 'street poetry' are different, and quite enjoyable. We've almost gone full circle and are back to Mark E Smith. Surely Bono hasn't been listening to The Fall after all?
Best one on the album for me.
11) Cedars Of Lebanon
I think I can guess where this is going to go...
Yep, I'm right. More meaningful, and yet still incomprehensible dirge. Random rhyming couplets that might be insight into the futility of life, or the suffering of man. I really can't tell if they're taking the piss and this is supposed to somehow ironic, but I'm afraid it could be for real.
'...child drinking dirty water from the river bank, soldier brings oranges he got out from a tank..'
I mean, are they serious? When are they ever not....
And that in a nutshell is U2, and this albums problem. They still take themselves far too fucking seriously. There's nothing that new or exciting, it's mostly just recycling the same old sounds. You can say that it's got The Hedges 'distinctive sound' but isn't that just another way of saying' still pumping out the same bilge'.The lyrics are probably supposed to be profound, but they're profoundly shit.
Completely out of touch with reality, and 'the common man', it'll still no doubt sell millions. You'll buy it, your Dad'll buy it. The singles will get airplay and you'll hum along, because half of the album is just that: an easy listening, formulaic hum along that ticks all the right boxes, but there is no denying that far to much of the album is dire. Really, really REALLY bad. Inexcusably bad.
I mean it.
If you can live with that, then go buy it, go see them on their stadium tour and pay £80 for a ticket, and £30 for an official t-shirt, but don't say I didn't warn you....
Bonus Track
You still here?
That's all the tunes, but in the spirit of completeness, I purchased the deluxe edition, that includes a 58 minute film. It appears to be one long art film set to the albums music. There can be no plot to speak of, and there is no way on earth I am going to sit through this after having just sat through the album once, but through the magic of 'fast forward', I will try to piece together some type of narrative...
0:22 We are in Paris (I can see the Eiffel tower), and hear U2
1:25 We are still in Paris but it is night (I can still see the Eiffel Tower, the camera hasn't moved)
4:22 There are lots of shops and roads in night time Paris, but no people yet.
6:12 There's a policeman on a stationary motorbike!
6:26 He's got off his bike and kicked it over. He's having a fag. U2 play in the background
7:18 He's set fire to the bike. If this is the way French police behave it's no wonder the rest of the country enjoy a good riot.
10:44 He's got his own motorbike. I bet he doesn't set fire to that.
18:03 He's driven for nearly 8 minutes to get out of Paris so he can lie on his back in the countryside and look at the clouds.
19:16 One of the clouds looks like Africa. U2 are still on the radio.
26:16 More riding....oh look, a house!
27:18 No it's not, it's a bar of some description, and the waitress is fit!
27:48 It does food! Salad please, but just water, I'm riding on spiritual discovery.
32:09 Waitress puts the TV in the corner on
32:19 Oh shit, the receptions really bad, and U2 are on...
37:00 I'll be off then..
40:47 Another bar! This one must be better, there's a neon cocktail glass sign.
41:50 There's a fit women dancing inside! She is dancing to U2 :(
42:06 She flashes an arse cheek to reveal the number 6. Track 6 is playing. Is this subliminal? I'm already listening to it with you, you silly bint.
43:06 There is a women dancing on stage wearing a fake moustache ( I assume it's not real anyway). Kinky boots indeed!
43:54 She has been joined on stage by a dozen other hotties with moustaches. This is not working for me on any level.
48:26 He's left to wander the back streets. Don't blame you mate. Those women were odd.
52:24 I think I'll sleep on the beach...
52:47 Oh shit, I've woken up on a beach!
54:14 Oh look, someones left a row boat
54:30 I'll nick it and row out to sea and my destiny....
END
Moral of the storey. Paris is a shit place to work as a policeman, but no matter where you go in France you can never escape fit but strange women, and the sound of U2. The only possible escape the hype of the albums release is to row out to sea.
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