Lesbian Vampire Killers

Lesbian Vampire Killers.

It seems to be lacking some punctuation somewhere. I know from the trailer what this is supposed to be about, but is it;

a) Lesbians, who kill vampires.
b) Lesbians, who are vampires and kill people.
c) Killers of lesbians, who are vampires.
d) People tho kill vampire lesbians.

If you guessed 'd' then you are correct! And have no doubt seen the aforementioned trailer that gives me some concerns that Messers. Cordon and Horne have pushed their popularity a little to far, as it looks like an absolute stinker.

The words 'lesbian', 'vampire', and 'killer' when thrown into any film title increase the chances of 'their demographic' (of which I am one) watching it, but is this a case of the law of diminishing returns?

Call a film 'Ichi', and I probably won't give it a second look, but 'Ichi the Killer' - now that's a hook that's worth a look. Featuring the Yakuza, martial arts, and a psychotic hitman with a Chelsea Smile held together with rings at the corners of his mouth. He can blow smoke through the unhealed slits in his cheeks. It's seriously fucked up bit of surreal Japanese fare, and I have a copy if you want to borrow it.

I film about a D.I.Y? Not interested. But 'Driller Killer'? Another from my personal collection. Before his more commercial love letters to the rotten to the core under belly of the Big Apple, King of New York with Christopher Walken, or 'Bad Lieutenant' with Harvey Kietel, Abel Ferrera directed himself in this low budget shocker of an artist losing his mind, who spends his nights killing time, and homeless people with a power drill. A nice family Christmas film.Check it out.

'Regarding Henry' -schmaltzy nonsense with Harrison Ford. 'Henry:Portrait of a Serial Killer' - seriously challenging film making, with a protagonist who makes Dexter look like Ned Flanders.

Yep, throwing a bit of Killer into the mix generally increases my interest.


But what about some Vampire action? I grew up on Hammer Horror, and there's no doubt that the Vampire genre is both massive, and slightly dubious in some of it's fare. Yes Eddie Murphy, I'm talking to you for your absolutely risible 'Vampire in Brooklyn'.

And the number of Lesbian films is probably even greater. Even discounting the straight to DVD 'special interest films', according to IMDB there are over 50 'proper films' with lesbian in the title ('Song of the Lesbian Pirates' being possibly my favourite). I'm sure that there are an exponentially larger number than that available, but you'll have to Google them yourself.


So Vampire on it's own is unreliable. Lesbian even more so. What if we mix them together?

Several years ago I saw an 'art horror' film called 'Vampyros Lesbos', probably on late at night onChannel 4. More in the style of a mildly erotic Hammer film, and badly dubbed, IMDBb informs me that its English title is 'The Vampire Women'.

Bollocks.

'Lesbos' does not translate as 'women', and even if it does, these women just happened to prefer to drink their blood from a furry cup.

IMDb also informs me of another Vampire Lesbian film that I was not aware of, 'Vampire Lesbian Kickboxers'. There's not much to go on in the IMDb description, but as it's suggestive of a softcore porn meets Jean Claude Van Damme (Kickboxer), then I'll probably want to give it a miss.


Combine Vampire and Killers then you get the charming and funny 'The Fearless Vampire Killers' aka 'Dance of the Vampires. Made by and starring Roman Polanski in happier times ie before he made Chinatown and Rosemary's Baby. Featuring his wife Sharon Tate (later killed by the Mansun family), and pre shagging 13 year olds shenanigans that put him so out of favour with Hollywood, he's now been re accepted, largely thanks to 'The Pianist', for which he won an Oscar in 2002. Dig out this 1967 parody on Hammer Horror. It's a little gem.

So.....

Lesbian = highly dubious
Vampire = unreliable
Killer = good

Lesbian + Vampire = arty/soft porn
Lesbian + Killer = Jean Claude Van Damme danger
Vampire + Killer = good

If only Matt and James followed this little rule, they could have avoided pissing away their popularity on a one joke film that will no doubt please the Nuts and Zoo readers, who once they've finished wanking at a pair of false tits and laughing because someone said 'cock' will be left wondering what they're going to do for the rest of the film.

Putting 3 of your favourite words together does not necessarily make for a good film. Who'd like to watch..

Alcoholic Hillwalking Footballers?
Musical Jedi Cats?
Ninja Cooking Cricketers?

Ok, maybe I would, but that's not the point. The point is that I like James Cordon & Matt Horne. I like Gavin & Stacey. Their sketch show's ok. What I don't like is them cashing in on their popularity by pumping out puerile dross when we know they're so much better than this. Right now, if James Cordon offered to shit in peoples mouths for money, people would pay him to do it. But if you feed people shit, after a while they aren't going to want to look at the menu anymore.

You know you can do better this boys. Stop taking the piss.

Although, true, I haven't even seen the film, and probably won't even when it eventually comes to Sky (give it 3 months..). It might be really good....

If you have seen it, and disagree, let me know.

I'll set my Gay Werewolf on you.