Identity theft

I came across a familiar name today while surfing the superhighway, and had to do a double take, for there as clear as day, was me. Except it was not me. Or was it? I couldn't be sure, for there was only the name..Mark Walker.

Charlatan! Fraud! Impostor! I am Mark Walker - nobody else!

OK, so it's not a particularly unusual name (don't you dare say common!), but just how not unusual is it?

Walker is the 13th most popular name in the UK, with around 195,000 of us. It's the 2nd most popular surname in North Yorkshire, but 207th in Cambridgeshire. I'm away from my brethren!

I always assumed Mark was a pretty common name, but it's not been in the top 100 list of boys names for the past 5 years, whereas the likes of Bradley, Kai, Finlay, Logan and Reuben lord it up. If you know anyone with these names, or are planning to name a child as such, then what the fuck are you on? What is wrong with good old fashioned Mark?

Maybe I am rarer than I thought, but can I be the only Mark Walker? Well I have nothing to go on other than the name, so to Google I head, to seek out this impostor, and see if he is trying to steal my soul.

First up

Mark Walker


This is clearly not me, although he spent some of his life in Grimsby. A self confessed 'Comedian and Entertainer Extraordinare!' He may be around the right age and height, but he needs to eat more. I don't think I could be bothered to keep my eyebrows that tidy. I suspect he may be the son of Roy Walker.

Mark Walker



Still not me. I like him. He drums, and knows Rolf Harris. He's about the right age, but could not pass for me, nor I for him with my substandard rhythm and such like musical ability.

Mark Walker

No picture for this one, but suffice to say, although he has all my tremendous hoop skills, a 3 year old basketball prodigy could not pull off a classic 'Mark Walker'.

Mark Walker

Born in the UK in 1972. Photographer. This guys pretty close. Maybe I should crash some of his Wedding Gigs with my kit and refute his existence? Closest call so far, but physically not very similar. He is a pale imitation.

Mark Walker



Yeah? You reckon you're Mark Walker do you? Well we'll see about that! Just as soon as I can get up to South Shields, although I am a bit busy at the moment so I may just have to let you off for now. But if you put us both in a ring we'd be be pretty indistinguishable from each other, and I think we all know who the victor would be...

Mark Walker



I wouldn't want his identity if you paid me. I don't care if you are a doctor, just give me my fucking name back alright?

Mark Walker

A car salesman! My good name being besmirched even further! Will it never cease?? And with no photo there is no proof that this is not me. What if an old school friend Googled me and thought I was a used car salesman? I have to stop this somehow..

Mark Walker



What witchcraft is this? Another drummer? Have I missed out on a destiny thing here? I wonder if the other Mark Walkers can also drum? Perhaps I should take some lessons and we could form a massive percussive band? No..I'm trying to remove or replace them. But he's in Chicago, so will escape for the moment.

Mark Walker



No linky for this scumbag. Never before has the good name of Mark Walker been used for such shameful activities. This piece of shit is a BNP candidate, hence I wouldn't want to send your internet traffic to their venomous, hateful website. This is one Mark Walker that I would rather choke on my own vomit than impersonate.

It has become pretty apparent that there are several other Mark Walkers out there, but for the time being, none are trying to usurp me, and there are none that I would like to be. So if you're out there looking for a Mark Walker, be careful! The quality varies enormously, and there can be no refunds.

So remember, when looking for a Mark Walker, insist on the original and best.


Satisfaction guaranteed.


Mark Walker